


Just a step from falling

by Mrs_Moony (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, F/M, Forced Prostitution, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Past Sexual Abuse, Poor Remus, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 20:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5104937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Mrs_Moony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus is a prostitute. His life is as miserable as it seems, with his mother’s disease and his own desperation, there is nothing to make him think the life will ever get better. <br/>After an ordinary night, he meets a stranger. An angel, really. And not just for his looks, but especially for what he’s done for him.</p>
<p>He keeps his other life a secret from everyone, only telling some to his best friend Lily. She seems to be the only good thing in his life, she, and a man he dreamt about for weeks now...<br/>But what if they’re supposed to meet again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just a step from falling

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is an introduction, so there’s not much dialogues. I’m working on it though.   
> However, enjoy the reading, and sorry if there are any mistakes or if the text isn’t fluent - english isn’t my first langauge - so please, point them out so I can fix it.

 

xxx

Remus looks longingly at the sofa in the pub while he is closing it. How long is it since he slept on something so comfortable? He shakes his head and walks down the street. He puts on a hoodie, mostly to escape from the cold, but also because he feels watched.

He walks for an hour or so, until he finally reaches the gas station and the parking lot next to it. He sighs, because right there he sees a group of truck drivers, which means he probably will have a busy night. _That_ _'s good, you need that money. She needs them._ With that thought he walks to them, happy to realize that he even knows one of the men. The guy seems to recognize him as well. They have a bit of a chat, than the two of them go into the truck. Remus brings up the money, because that's the reason he's there. 

“Just go on, boy. Don't make me reconsider, waiting isn't really my thing.” Man's voice is harsh and hoarse, muffled by his tongue constantly licking his lips.

At this point, Remus turns off. At least he tries.

It's not as hard as it used to be. He does it mechanically – unzips the guy's pants, gets on his knees, takes him in his mouth. He's done it all so many times it's hard to count, but the disgust never really leaves him. It used to be way harder – when he was only starting he was terrified, and he also had a lot of bad experiences. But at this point, he just didn't care anymore. It was what needed to be done. 

Soon it's over and he can feel the money dropping in his hand. When he gets outside, the others offer him a beer which he accepts, if only to wash down the taste still filling his mouth. After a while, another guy starts walking to the group. He doesn't seem like a truck driver. He's quite gorgeous, actually, and Remus must force himself to look away from the stranger. His smile is making his pale face even more irresistible. _Oh God, time to go._ He doesn't bother with saying goodbye, it's not like any of them cared. 

He only manages to make a few steps, when a hand on his shoulder makes him stop.

“Hey. I was just wondering. Wouldn't you like more money? If that's not rude or anything.” It's the gorgeous stranger, and he's wearing a lopsided grin. Remus tries not to stare at him in disbelief, and instead of asking just nods. He doesn't care if it was a act of pity.

“Where do you want to go?” He tries to sound excited, but he's still a bit shocked. The stranger only frowned and huffed out a breath.

“There's no need for that, mate. Here you go. No, really, take that.” He pulled out his wallet and forced a pack of bills into Remus's hand, who let him do so just because he was rather shocked. Before he got to say anything else, the stranger was walking away. 

Unsure what to do then, he counts the money on his walk back. He does so twice. Then again... and is left in confusion, because it's more than he would have made in a week. 

He then walks for another two hours - he lives on the other side of the city, until he finally gets into a small, shabby building. The flat he lives in is very small, with no electricity and a smashed window, for now covered with cartoon. The only bed in the small room representing their flat is occupied by his mother. She can't get up from the bed, but Remus is happy that she doesn't exhaust herself for his sake. He covers her with another blanket, and then he rolls himself into a ball on the floor, next to her bed, where he managed to make something like a nest. It's more likely just a pile of old blankets and pieces of fabric, but it's better than nothing.

As he closes his eyes for those precious hours of sleep before his morning shift, he thinks about the kind-hearted man, who Remus couldn't believe would do such a thing, but indeed he did.

 

 

 

He works in a library during the day, he cleans the restaurant owned by his relative in the afternoons, and then he works in a club at night – after that, he walks for hours to reach the part of the city where people won't recognize him, and he starts his another life. Every day, each as exhausting as the one before, he wishes for something to change. Just a small light in his life, something to look forward to.

He wouldn't give up – his mother needed him. She suffered from multiple sclerosis and needed every coin he could get her for her treatment. Yet he couldn't help it and sometimes wishes to just end it. To close his eyes, jump off the bridge, take all of his mother's pills, or whatever he could think of. He thinks about dying a lot, because his days are filled with emptiness, loneliness and solitude. He so much lacks caring, appreciation, _love._

 

In a library, there's this one girl who's always being friendly with him. Her name, as he learned, is Lily. Remus never allowed himself to make friends – it would hurt so much to be rejected for the state of his living.

Lily somehow managed to get into his life, in spite of his attempts to stop her. She was as full of life as he was of grief, and she managed to make _him_ talk, laugh even. They became friends, and their friendship was now something Remus valued the most.

He soon told her about his mother's disease, which left her very concerned, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her anything else. Those 25 years of not trusting anyone, of there being just him and his mother, of loneliness – he couldn't just let it all go. He couldn't loose the only friend he had.

Lily was, unlike him, a very open person. She was courageous and brave, and able to stand up for her friends.

Not even a month after they got closer she started giving him tons of books. Remus never had many of those, which he was really unhappy about because of his passion for reading. She also spoiled him with cups of hot chocolate and forced him to watch crazy TV Shows, but he didn't mind any of that. It was all so precious to him, and Lily didn't even notice what she was giving him.

Their talks were about nothing and everything, but throughout last few weeks it's always been the same topic – James Potter. Remus knew his name, his family owned a huge company in the town. Lily first mentioned him as a classmate in her psychology studies. At the beginning she always sounded annoyed with his very presence.

“What a git! That Potter boy is as spoiled as you would have thought, he's arrogant and big-headed... For some, to me unknown reason, he and I ended up as partners for a project. That's terrible!” After a few weeks of keeping her distance and constantly whining over how insufferable he was, she started to every now and then mention nice things. Remus wasn't surprised when they started dating - Lily had it written all over her face a long time before that. 

 

He would like to meet that guy, but she, as always, had it all planned already. Lily made him agree on a dinner with her and James, and his best friend called Sirius Black. Remus felt a bit anxious about it, he wasn't really someone who enjoys meeting new people, but somehow she persuaded him.

 

The dinner should take place in a small restaurant, more of a family business, so Remus isn't that worried about his lack of elegant clothes. He and Lily are first to arrive, so they sit in a booth while they wait for their companions to show up.

Remus is seated with his back to the door, so when he sees an excited expression on Lily's face, he has to turn around – only to freeze in shock. First man – James, obviously, doesn't seem familiar, but he looks exactly as Lily described him – tall, messy-haired, with round glasses and a big smile. But the other man to arrive is, to Remus' horror, the guy from the parking lot. That one who gave him money for free, but who also knew what Remus was doing for living.

He stands up when the men get closer to the table and he can feel his knees shaking. James kisses Lily on the lips, then shakes Remus' hand firmly. He's very spontaneous and has some kind of a sparkle – just like Lily. But Remus freezes again when the other man comes closer to shake his hand.

He says his name “Sirius Black”, and Remus mumbles his own, not being able to look the man in the eyes. Love birds don't seem to notice the tension between the other two men, and maybe it is like that only for Remus – maybe Sirius doesn't even remember him. After maybe twenty minutes he dares to look into his direction – only to find out he's being watched by Sirius. Their eyes meet and for a while, none of them looks away.

The moment is broken by James, who nudges Sirius and says something which makes Sirius laugh loudly. Remus stares in awe at the beauty in front of him. Laughing Sirius looked like a sexier and better clothed version of an angel - in his own leather jacket-ey way.

_What am I even thinking about?_  He suddenly wakes up of his trance and starts to focus on the conversation instead than at Sirius. It surprises him that he hasn't yet said anything about their last meeting, not a single word or stupid reference which, if he's lucky, could mean that he wouldn't try to humiliate him and destroy his friendship with Lily.

The dinner was, except for all the stress, really nice and Remus soon found himself walking with others down the street. James and Lily were discussing something, and he only heard Lily say: “no James, he can't walk all the way home…” and James said something like “of course not. Wait.”

“What's going on, you two?” Sirius asked them, sounding curious.

“James is being a selfish twat and wants me to go with him for a ride or whatever he just suggested. But, as I said, I am taking Remus home and anyways, it's quite late…” But she certainly didn't look tired. Remus suddenly started to feel guilty. 

“No worries, Lily. You two go, it's not even that far, besides, I enjoy walking. Please, I want you to have a bit of fun.” He smiled, but Lily still didn't seem convinced. She chewed her lip, but Sirius grinned and offered him a ride. 

“I can drive you home. Jamie and I came on my motorbike – if Lils will take him home after their rough night of adult-only sex games, I do have an empty seat.” They all laughed, but Remus felt his stomach shuffle. They were all looking at him though, so he just nodded and thanked Sirius, still avoiding his eyes.  James and Lily then sat into the car, giggling and waving at them, and after they left, the two of them fell in an awkward silence.

“You don't have to ride me home, if you don't want to. It's not like I live far.” He dared to peer and eye on Sirius, who only snorted loudly.

“Get your ass on that bike and drop it. You're not going alone when I can drive you.” He obeyed, even though he couldn't help feeling weird, and sat onto the bike, pressing himself against Sirius in a tight hold.

“Where should I take you?" Sirius had the bike started already, so he had to raise his voice a bit.

“Do you know where the, er, student's flats are - those next to the museum?”

“Yeah. You live there?”

“Kind of. Just drop me off there, it isn't far from where I live. I wouldn't be able to explain whereto go anyways.” Or be willing to. Remus

wanted to  sigh, but held it back. They rode in silence then. Remus admired the way Sirius rode his bike – almost carelessly, his body moving only slightly, as if adapting to the road.

“Here we are.” They got off, and only then Remus noticed how much shorter Sirius is. Maybe Lily's height. That made him smile.

“Thank you. For the drive and… everything.” It was the first time he mentioned something about that evening weeks ago, and he feared other man's reaction. But Sirius smiled widely as he responded.

“Any time. I hope we get to see each other some time, you seem really nice. No wonder that Lily won't shut up about you.” With that, he started the bike and with a last grin disappeared into the night.

Remus let out the breath he forgot he was holding. He walked back home feeling less lonely, less empty, more alive.

 

 

He fell asleep almost immediately, knowing that tomorrow will be a long, hard day.

His dreams were, however, filled with beautiful grey eyes, crooked grins and curly black hair. 


	2. The sparkle as bright as fire itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a normal evening at Lily's. Because she is the biggest nerd of all and loves Game of Thrones with all her soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave me feedback, comments, kudos, anything. Also, sorry if there are mistakes. I really like writing this story, and I hope you do find it worth reading.

**xxx**

 

 

Remus couldn't help himself but yawn, failing at attempting to cover his mouth. It was for the tenth time in half an hour, which must have caught Lily's attention.

“Oh look at you, poor baby, you seem so tired. What do you do all night? You need your beauty rest.” He blushed a bit, because she wasn't aware of what he spent his nights with. It certainly wasn't sleep, and the lack of it was chasing him the whole day.

“I don't sleep well these days. I guess it's got something to do with the full moon, you know. I never sleep well when it's around.” That was true, so he didn't technically lie.

“And I hoped you'll come over my place tonight! You promised to join me during my Game of Thrones marathon. You better drink some coffee, because I don't take no as a response.” Lily ended her brilliantly acted scene with a admirable pout. They've already been through this conversation, and there was no point in arguing with Lily. She knew about his shifts in the bar and the restaurant, and she also knew that today he had some time off.

“I won't disappoint you. What a friend would that make me?,” he responded at last.   
A huge grin spread across Lily's face as she stood on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. He got used to these little signs of affection, but it still felt a bit strange. No one ever touched him just like that, just because they wanted to make him feel nice. His mother was almost always apathetic, which he didn't blame her for, but even before her had disease started they weren't very close.

 

The rest of the day went by quickly and soon it was time to close the library. They were the only ones there, so they had music playing loud. The room was filled with the lovely voice of Stevie Wonder.

The pair of them just sat there for a while, enjoying the music until the song stopped. Then they walked over to Lily's flat, which was nearby, staying in silence throughout the walk.  

“This is it. It's not much, I have to warn you. But I adore this place. You'll see what I mean.” Lily sounded excited from showing him her flat. She talked about it before, though she never mentioned anything specific.

They used the stairs and after a couple of minutes, they appeared in front of her door. The first impression Remus got after the door opened was astonishment, since the place, even though it was small, was beautiful. Earthy colours dominated the hall and the living room. There were shades of green, brown, ochre and orange – together making it look like an autumn fairy tale.

“Lils, this place is stunning. Did you decorate it on your own?”  
“Yeah, and I enjoyed it a rather lot.” She looked both modest and proud, and a little smile tugged on her lips.

“You should do this for living, you'll be a famous flat-designer, definitely. Such a wasting yourself in that dusty little library we work at.” They laughed, even though Remus meant it.

“I guess I'd miss it. Got used to all the people, you know.” She winked at him playfully and forced him deeper into the flat.

“Come on, sit down… somewhere. It's a bit messy here, sorry for that. Watch the telly or something, I'll get the food. Am I the only one starving here?” She didn't wait for a response, so Remus sat down and waited for her patiently.

 

“I'm not a chef, but I hope my baking skills would do for you. It's Mexican food, but don't ask me what it's called. Mom used to make this every week, and I stick up with it.” The food she was balancing in her hands smelled delicious, and after a while they were on the couch, covered in blankets, and enjoying the food while watching the series.

Lily started to be more and more confused, and after a while of trying to catch up with the episode, she gave up. “I always forget what happened in the last one. Even though I watched it like million times now. Give me a hint?” Remus snorted, but smiled and explained her the storyline of the previous episode.

They were watching the third season – their favourite - and he knew everything about it even without paying much attention. She first showed him the show two weeks after he started to work in the library, when they weren't even friends yet, and since that day he used to watch it every day, when he had nothing to do in a library, sometimes with Lily joining him. After they got closer, they always watched together. They were higly obsessed by now.

After a couple of episodes they decided to have a little pause, mostly because James was phone-stalking Lily and she didn't have the heart to ignore him any longer.

“Go call him, my eyes are tired anyways.”

“Sorry, I'll just tell him to sod off – we have a marathon.”

He just told her not to be mean to James, he could take a little nap, if she didn't mind. After Lily left the room, he curled on the couch and closed his eyes for a while.

 

 

 

“Good morning, sleeping beauty. I made you tea and it's getting cold, se better get up.” Soft voice woke him up, and he felt better than any morning he could recall. His calmness lasted only until he realized what happened.

“Shit! Sorry, oh no, I fell asleep. Damn it.” He was sitting already, but a gentle, yet firm touch pushed him back.

“With getting up I haven't meant jump off the fuckin window. Now calm down before you hurt someone.” He tried to, but he only managed to bury is face in his hands.

“Oh come on, so you fell asleep. Not that it bothered me, I'm just sorry that you slept on this shitty excuse for a couch.” Lily sat on the sofa and tugged herself in what was left from his blankets.

Remus still didn't look up, because his embarrassment wasn't the only thing bothering him.

He planned on only staying for a couple of hours, and now he missed the night – Friday night, which meant he had no money to pay for his mom's pills the following week. The weekend surely won't cover that all. But somehow he managed to smile at Lily, who was starting to look worried.

“Yeah, I just panicked. I'm not used to sleep somewhere else than at my flat. Thank you though, for having me. It was great, we should do it again soon – but I really should go back now…” He again attempted to get up, but was stopped by Lily's sad face. Damn it.

“It's Saturday morning, our shift starts in the afternoon, so if you don't hurry somewhere else, have at least the tea I made you.” He really had nowhere to go right now, except for that cell he called home, and mom didn't need to be checked for at least another hour…

After a few more seconds he decided. “Alright. Thanks again, Lils.” She gave him a one-armed hug and then went to the kitchen, because “now that you stayed, you've gotta have a proper breakfast.”

 

He got to leave the place when it was almost noon, which he quietly cursed at himself for as he hurried to get to check on mom. He didn't even notice the motorbike until it parked right in front of him, and a familiar smile showed after the man had put his helmet off.

“Remus. Nice to see you.” It was Sirius wearing _that_ smile, and Remus once again felt like his legs were made of jelly.

“Hey. Nice to see you as well.”

“I thought you lived somewhere nearby, since there aren't many possibilities around here. I'm glad I was right.” Remus blushed, because there, across the road, was his shitty flat.

“Are you always right?”

“Always.” Sirius' smile even widened.

“You coming from work? I thought Lily said you never take morning shifts. Not a morning bird, are you?” He continued with the conversation, and Remus found himself wondering more and more why did he even talk to someone like him.

It also surprised him to know that Sirius asked Lily about him, but instead of asking he only mumbled the answer.

“No, I ended at work yesterday evening, along with Lily.”

“So, busy night then?” Remus blushed immediately.

“Actually I slept at Lily's – kind of dropped off during our Game of Thrones marathon.” The other man laughed loudly and stepped a little closer, letting a light smell of leather and wood and _something,_ a scent Remus couldn't name, creep it's way into Remus' nose. He almost sniffed at the delicious smell, but was – luckily – interrupted by Sirius' snort.

“She made you watch that stupid show as well?”

“I love that show, don't you insult such an artwork!” He was smiling as well now, already forgetting about Sirius referring to his job earlier.

“I should have guessed so – you are a proper nerd, otherwise Lily wouldn't be friends with you. I am, however, a golden exception. Even poor James was seduced by her persuasive skills.”

“I guess we all are nerds. You just don't admit it.” Sirius looked shocked, insulted even.

“Take that back! How dare you, calling me – me! – a nerd. How rude of you.” But his corners of the mouth were shaking, and suddenly they both burst into laughter.

“You really are a drama queen. Well, it was nice seeing you, but I really have to go now, so, see you sometime?” He didn't mean it as a question, but somehow it was.

“Sure. Goodbye, Remus.” Sirius winked, then got on his bike and left the road. Remus hurried into the flat.

Luckily she was alright. He wouldn't've forgave himself if she wasn't.

“Hi mom. How did you sleep? Does something hurt?” She looked impassively, only nodding in greeting. He came closer to check if she took her medicine, than he walked her into the bathroom and got her into the bathtub. Suddenly she smiled and squeezed his arm.

“It used to be the other way around – me bathing you when you were a baby. Now you are all grown up.” She looked him straight in the eye, after months. Remus gasped, because even though they communicated, she never showed many emotions. Now her eyes were filling with tears and he found himself cupping her cheek.

“You took care of me. Now it's my turn. That's what family does.”

“Family.” She said that, tongue curling around the letters as they were spoken. Then they stayed quiet, as they were used to, but it felt different.

From time to time, Remus longed for these moments. Just being together, without reminds of the awful disease, without his mother screaming and crying because of the pain. Only the two of them, as they always were.

For those times, it was worth it.  


	3. Keep your head up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot has changed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the chapter :) Hope you'll like this one, if so, let me know by leaving your kudos and comments - they're well appreciated. I will try to add the next one soon.

**xxx**

“Argh…” he let out a groan while settling himself down on the chair.

“Tea? Coffee? I'd also ask if you want tequila but I've never seen you drinking. So what is it?” How could a creature like Lily Evans walk around the Earth without being called an angel?

“I'd kill a man for some tea. Thank yo-ou.” Re yawned while finishing the sentence, which made Lily let out a little laugh while she was standing up and putting the kettle on.

“At least it's Monday, which means no crowds – not like they ever were here anyways.” He would have laughed, but the reminding of the date made him scowl.

Wednesday was approaching, which was the day he would have to pay for the pills for his mother.

And yethe had no idea _how_ to get the money.

He excused himself, since he couldn't quite hold it in anymore. He went to the balcony and had a fag. The smoke ironically cleared his mind a bit, at least as much so he could think.  
He was exhausted to death, since he got no sleep throughout the weekend. He stayed out for the whole night, yet he came home angry, with empty hands.

Now he felt tears forming in his eyes, so he shut them hard, not allowing himself such a weakness.

“Re? Are you alright?” He flinched at Lily's voice, and when he opened his eyes, he found her standing there with a huge mug of tea, concerned expression forming on her face.

“I'm fine, I guess I just needed to get out for a while.” His was shaky and unsteady, but he did his best not to break down. Not yet.

“It's freezing outside, you must be cold. Come inside, I made you tea. Your favourite.” Lily held the door open and her expression was rather demanding, so with a quiet sigh, he entered the room and slowly started to sip his tea.

Lily still didn't seem to put her glance off him.

“Now tell me what's wrong.” It was a command, even though she said it gently, not a question. But Remus couldn't give up that easily.

“Nothing, really. Everything's fine. Just a rough time, that's all.”

“So you're telling me that this state of yours represents that all is well?” Sarcasm in hands of Lily Evans was a powerful weapon. She patiently gazed at him until he let out a breath he held for so long, and gave in.

“I… God, I just don't know what to do. I don't want you to worry about me, though. I can handle it… eventually.”

“Now you will definitely tell me what's going on. And quickly, because my patience just left me.” She sat down next to him, and in spite of her hard, but well-meant words, she petted his arm and waited for response. He stared into her bright, green eyes, then looked down and whispered under his breath.

“I can't pay for my mom's pills. Wednesday's the date she'll need them, and I am such a pathetic looser that I can't even get them for her…” He didn't expect his voice to broke, but it did at the end, and a few seconds later Lily came closer and hugged him tightly.

“Oh Remus. You're _not_ a looser. Don't you ever say that again, you hear me? That could happen to anybody. You do so much, you work hard in various jobs to take care of your mother, that's hardly something to torment yourself about.  And talking about money – I can lend you some. And don't look at me like that, because you know I have more of them than I need.” He was speechless for a while, because he has never felt this loved in his life.

“I don't know what to say. I can't ask you to do that, Lils, I _can't_ …”

“You're not asking though. I'm offering. And you'll accept it, I don't want to hear otherwise.” She smiled and squeezed him again, and Remus, after a while of hesitance, leant in and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

“Thank you. You're an amazing person, Lily. I am so glad you are my friend.”

“I wouldn't want it any other way.”

 

 

 

All was well at the time. Two weeks passed since he took Lily's money, and, much to his delight, it hadn't changed a thing. Remus was starting to love working in a library, mainly because he and Lily had always fun in there. He got to talk more to other employees as well – Frank, Alice and Mary, only to find out how great people they were.

James was their daily visitor, which Lily seemed very eager about. He used to drop by, sometimes more than once a day, if only to give Lily a quick kiss and hug Remus tightly. James was like an ocean, Remus liked to think. He was wild and confident, able to protect the ones he loved, just as destroy those who would try to hurt them. He didn't get to know him as much as he would like to, but Lily talked about him so often, he kind of felt like he knew James for ages.

Sometimes James brought Sirius with him. Those were usually the times when they came in hurry, secretly escaping off work during their lunch break. Sirius always smiled widely when he looked at Remus, who found it nothing less than astonishing. They used to talk from time to time, exchanging a little from their lives, but never too long to have an actual conversation.

It was one of those times, when both James and Sirius burst into the library, both of them laughing and nudging each other.

“Lily, my love, the only one I'll ever lay my gaze upon.” Sarcasm is James' voice didn't quite cover the truthfulness in his statement.

Lily rolled her eyes, but still accepted an offered embrace, and the two of them quickly slipped into snogging.

“You're like high school students, honestly, does dignity say nothing to you?” Sirius' discomfort didn't stop the two lovebirds from showing their affection. He snorted and seated himself next to Remus, while the other two seemed to ignore them properly. But then James broke the kiss, suddenly very excited.

“We are here because of something. An idea. Huge. Lovely. You must agree.” Lily and Remus exchanged looks, as James started to explain.

“We should celebrate. At my place, Friday night, y'all are invited and please, please, please don't you dare not to come.”

 “And what exactly are we celebrating?,” Sirius uttered doubtingly. Remus wondered how is that that he hadn't known about James' plans.

“Some child was born somewhere, or some couple just got married. Whatever. Since when do we need a reason to get incredibly drunk?” All of them agreed with him, and they started to plan a party at James' place. Remus stayed quiet during the talk until James faced him.

“You're not saying anything. You'll be there, won't you?” Remus cleared his throat.

“Well, you should just know that you don't have to invite me just because I work here with Lily, really. I wouldn't want to be a bother.” He spit it out maybe too quickly, and James turned to Lily now.

“Is he always like this?” She nodded, and James came closer, squeezing his shoulder.

“I wouldn't invite you if I didn't want to, mate. I have it as we're friends, so you better leave that sad face at home and have some fun on Friday. We've got to go now, have a nice day, you two!” He kissed Lily one last time, and along with Sirius, he left the room.

“So, a party. You have to help me decide what to wear.” Lily was grinning widely, and Remus felt his own mouth curving in a smile.

 

...

 

Remus leant in to kiss his mother's cheek, then whispered her his goodbye and left the flat. Lily was already waiting for him in her car, music hearable from across the street.

“Are you trying to show the whole street your delicate taste in music?,” he asked as he was getting into the car.

“Absolutely. It's quite a nice street, by the way. Which flat is yours?” He stopped himself from worrying and calmly pointed at his place.

“You look lovely. James won't be able to put his eyes off you. Not like he'd even try.” That left Lily beaming for the whole ride.

 

They got there a bit late, which didn't seem to bother anyone. James opened the door with his shirt unbuttoned, hair messy as always, and slightly crazy expression on his face.

“You're here already? Great, come in. Sorry for the mess, everything's gonna be ready in a while. Others are in the kitchen.” They entered the flat and continued to the huge kitchen, where they found maybe fifteen people chatting and laughing, some of them already finishing their drinks.

Remus recognized Alice, Frank and Mary from the library, although others were new faces. They all seemed very nice and friendly, but he had to try hard to remember their names.

 

“Okay guys, we finally managed to set the music on!” Both James and Sirius earned an applause. People started to move to the lounge, where big hifi-system was filling the room with loud music.

“I'm going to take something to drink. What would you like?” Lily had to speak really loud to be heard over the music.

“I don't really know… The same as you?” She nodded and disappeared into the kitchen, followed by James. Remus came closer to Mary, who he knew also didn't enjoy huge crowds, and kept a conversation until Lily came back.

 

The party was fun, after an hour or so they turned down the music and sat down on the couches and armchairs, or whatever suitable they found, eating and laughing madly. Those times were taking turns with dancing, and during one of the particularly quick song, Remus found himself getting up and heading to the large balcony. He dropped the glass filled with whatever Lily was pouring him the whole evening, and closed the door behind himself, feeling a little dizzy.

“Tired from the company already?” He flinched when he heard the voice, because he didn't notice Sirius sitting on the ground next to him, taking a deep drag from his cigarette.

“It's quite full in there… you mind if I have a drag?” He almost never got to cigarettes, even though he enjoyed smoking.

“Not at all. Sit down, if you want.” He almost fell instead of sitting, but at last managed to get himself next to Sirius.

“Sorry… I don't usually drink.” Better try never.

“I can quite tell,” Sirius chuckled. They sat in silence for a while, Remus trying to stop his gaze from shaking. He searched for some topic to talk about, so he would get his mind off his drunk thoughts.

“This place is really nice. You live here with James for long?” Excellent. So original.

“Since I left school, actually. James is the one with ambitions, uni and all that. I tried, but it was never for me.” He passed the cigarette so Remus could drag from it.

“You know each other for long? Seems like you're inspe… inseparable.” Sirius laughed again.

“Yeah, we're more like brothers.” He looked like he wanted to add something, but didn't. Instead he took the cigarette back. As he reached for it, their hands brushed, and Remus felt weird for wanting that touch to last longer.

“I think I understand – Lily became that for me. A sister, obviously, not a brother. Er.” He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, an pouted while trying to come up with the right words. That made Sirius chuckle again.

“You're quite funny when you're drunk. You should do that more often.”  
“Hm.” Remus let his head fall on Sirius' shoulder, not quite caring why his mind considered it a good idea.

 After a while he was able to open his eyes and see clearly, so he put his glance onto the sky.

“I can see you right now.”

“What?”

“Sirius. The star. Your parents must have loved astronomy.” Sirius hasn't answered, instead he ran his fingers through Remus' hair. It felt nice, and Remus suddenly wanted to ask the question which bothered him for ages. He hated bringing it up, since it might destroy all the good in his life. But he had to get it off his chest, and now he had the bravery he surely wouldn't have in a sober state.

“Will you tell them? Lily and James?” He only whispered it, and felt that the fingers in his hair stopped moving.

“Tell them what?”

“You know very well what I mean. About me being… who I am.” He warily looked into the other man's eyes, who was looking at him confused.

“Why on Earth would I? It's none of my business, and even if it was, I am not that kind of person who would go and spread my friend's secrets.” He continued with playing with Remus' hair, who felt like a huge stone fell off his chest.

“You really won't?” It seemed unbelievable. Now, when he convinced himself that Sirius will be the one to destroy his friendship with Lily, to make her look at him with disgust, Sirius proves himself otherwise.

“No, silly. You've got my word. Let's head back inside now, shall we? It's getting a bit cold in here.” They did just that, even though Remus felt warmer than ever before.

 

 


	4. Feelings are for fools, what a fool am I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays, decisions and talking, talking, talking...

xxx

The city was filled with people that afternoon, all of them were hurrying to get away from the cold wind. Remus was one of those people, and he felt relieved when he finally stood inside the heated room. He put his scarf of his face, then relieved his hair from a knitted beanie – his now favourite part of clothing, since he got it from Lily when she started to learn how to knit. She was bloody fantastic in it, even though she was never satisfied. 

“Oh hi. Is it that cold outside?” Alice stood there in a light top and rolled jeans, cold-resistant as she was.  
“Some people actually get to feel when it's freezing outside.” She stack out her tongue and then went back to whatever she was working at with Mary. Remus continued to the corner when he and Lily worked, only to find her sitting there in the dark, head in her hands and a large cup of coffee in front of her.  
“Close the door, but lightly, please… my head's going to explode soon.”   
“Are you in this state since the weekend? It's Tuesday already Lils, where is your strength?” She hissed at him something he couldn't understand, since she was already lying on the table. After a while she unwillingly got up.  
“No, luckily I wasn't even slightly drunk back there. But that sodding prick made me go with him yesterday to the bar and God forbid we stay sober… I hate that tosser.” He was a bit confused who she referred to, as he let her know.  
“Sirius fuckin Black of course, who else? James may be an idiot, but at least he wouldn't make me intoxicate myself on Monday.” Now he couldn't help but laughed, because Lily was really fun to look at right now.  
“Poor you. Would you like tea? Some noodle soup as well? Should I give you a massage?”   
“Don't offer what you won't be willing to do. I'd kill for a massage right now.” He got up then and stood behind his friend, letting the tension go away of her neck and shoulders with his confident hands - he's done this a lot for mom, and he was quite good at it.  
“Oh your hands are gold, Re. Do not stop. Ever. I hate Black, by the way.” He smiled and looked up, because certain someone just got into the library and with a wide grin stood in front of them.

“Speak of the devil,” Remus couldn't resist to whisper to Lily, as she looked at Sirius with storm in her eyes.  
“Lily, you won't ever learn, will you? Alcohol shouldn't be drank before work, you should have known that by now.” She only managed to hiss something at him too, before she fell on the table once again, still enjoying the massage.  
“She isn't in a state to communicate properly, I suppose. And she hates you. Officially.” Sirius sat on the table and took one of the chocolate candies, which were always there.  
“What a shame. Well, she is getting a reward now, as I can see. Are you trying to make James jealous?” Remus blushed a bit, because he of course haven't considered this.  
“It's just a friendly help, that's all.”  
“James, as adorable as he is, can't give a proper massage, even though he tries. But this one is bloody fantastic so stop distract him, Black.” Sirius' grey eyes widened a bit.  
“Would you give me a massage as well? Or do I have to be completely hungover as well?” Remus tried not to think about how only a picture of himself touching the person in front of him made him tremble. Why would it? He never felt like this about anyone, ever. Instead he tried to come up with an answer, since he probably should give some.  
“I'm not that good, though.” Sirius dropped the subject, which made Remus both relieved and disappointed – not like he would admit the latter. Lily's steady, deep breaths brought him back to reality.

“Wow. She actually fell asleep.” She really did, which made Sirius quietly chuckle. Remus made sure she sat comfortably, and then they walked to the centre of the room, where they sat down at comfortable armchairs between the bookshelves.  
“Why did you even dragged her out yesterday?” Sirius bit his lip for a while before answering.  
“It's a habit, actually. James' usually the one to go, but he had to work and Lily was there, so…” Remus still looked a bit confused, and Sirius sighed.  
“It's the date. 14th November. It's the day when… “ He took a deep breath.  
“You don't have to tell me.”  
“I know. It's the day my brother died. It happened five years ago, but I still am not really okay around that time.” Remus wanted to hug him, but instead just said,  
“I'm sorry.” Sirius smiled, but the smile wasn't in his eyes.  
“Don't be. He was a prick. He probably deserved it… I just wish I would have done things differently. One day I'll tell you the whole story. But I'll need far more liquor to do that.” They both wandered in their own thoughts, not really feeling forced to fill the silence.

Lily's been off the whole day, so Remus had a lot of time to think. The whole Sirius situation merely confused him. It's been very strange lately. First he thought that all the thinking about him came from his gratefulness, but that didn't explain why he could stare to the blank space for twenty minutes, admiring the way the light changed the shade of Sirius' grey eyes, or how young and independent the way his hair falling on his face made him look. He just didn't get it why he filled his thoughts almost all the time.  
Next days were a bit boring, he weather wasn't making the mood any better. It went from wind to raining, which seemed even worse. Obviously it didn't stop James Potter from bursting into the restaurant where Remus worked that morning.  
“Stupid rain. My hair look like shit.” He started to shake his head, probably trying to dry them a bit.  
“Hi James. Didn't expect you here?” No one used to visit him here, he didn't even remember telling James about him working here.  
“Oh yeah, hi. I came because I need you, and this time I'm not even exaggerating. It's an emergency.” He sat down next to the bar, where Remus was cleaning the glasses. No one payed them any attention at all, there were just maybe about ten people in there.  
“What is it?”  
“It's Lily's birthday the next week and I have no idea what to get her.” Remus laughed at it, because James really looked terrified.  
“You know her the best – she doesn't expect you to come up with something huge. She likes little things, meaningful though. Something only you can get her.” James let out a groan.  
“Exactly! How am I supposed to know what that is? I don't want anything cliché or ordinary. It must be special. You're my only hope in this.” He looked so sad that it made Remus laugh again.  
“It would be cheating if I came up with the gift instead of you. You'll figure it out, the right thing will eventually come to you.” James seemed a bit more convinced now, and after a little more talk, while trying to dissuade James from getting Lily a horse – “but they're so cute, she'll love it!” – he was alone there once again. 

It was another Friday night, and Remus was walking down the street, slightly shaking from cold because he left his coat in the library and he had no other choice than to walk only in his jumper. The streets were already filled with people, and he tried to walk fast, if only to heat himself up a bit. After a long walk he was finally away from the part of city where he lived, and he started to walk a bit calmer. Now he had to find a 'customer'. The word made him snort when he thought about it. It was already dark and not a thing to be heard, so he jumped a bit when a giant motorbike appeared on the pavement next to him.

“Jesus! I nearly got a heart attack.” He was breathing heavily, his heart pounding to his chest certainly not because of Sirius now standing next to him, but from the shock he caused.  
“Sorry about that.” He only stood there, looking Remus in the eyes, no expression at all.  
“Did you follow me here?” He had no idea how he could not hear the motorbike following him.  
“Kind of.” He didn't sound a bit ashamed about that.  
“Well, since you don't seem as you need something, will you excuse me now because I really have to go…” He already turned around and started walking away, when a firm touch on his forearm stopped him.  
“Don't.” He managed to avoid other man's eyes for a while, but afterwards he looked into the stormy grey eyes.   
“I have to.” The touch hasn't gone away, and he was well aware of that.  
“No you don't. Please, I – just come with me. I'll give you a ride, we can go to my place. Or somewhere else. Talk, watch a movie, whatever.” He talked fast, Remus only hardly understood the words he was saying. He sighed and frowned a bit, trying to stop thinking about the tempting offer.  
“You know I would like to. It's not that simple… I've got work to do.” Sirius scowled when he let out the word work.  
“Come with me, at least for a while. If you would want to leave later, I won't stop you. Let's just have a tea or something.” He bit his lip, but then he closed his eyes, stopping his thoughts from tearing his brain apart.

“Alright.” Shock quickly changed to joy on Sirius' face.  
“Get on, then.” They both did that, and the wind was soon hitting them with unexpected force. They were there in a small amount of time, considering the speed it was almost too long. Remus found out he enjoyed fast driving, much to Sirius' delight.  
“Here we are. Do you still want that tea?” Remus nodded, and Sirius disappeared to the kitchen. He looked around, finding out that the flat looked a lot different than during the party. It was large, but still kind of cozy, filled with dark wood and a lot of lights. Soon Sirius came with the mugs, settling himself onto the couch. Remus sat down as well, and took the warm mug to warm his hands a bit.

“Why weren't you wearing a coat or something? You must have been freezing.”  
“I forgot it in a library.”   
“Oh.” None of them said anything for a while. They were slowly sipping their tea, avoiding starting the conversation. After a couple of minutes Sirius finally got to say something.  
“So, here's my suggestion. We finish the tea, and you'll stay here for tonight. We'll watch some shitty TV show or whatever, or we can just talk and we'll get drunk so you can listen to my story, and you can tell me yours, and we'll have a fine time. I need it. And in the morning, I'll pay you, because it bothers me to know I would be the reason you won't have any tonight.” Remus was in a bit of a shock.  
“Fuck no. You are not paying my for my presence, you can keep your money. I know you're just trying to be kind and that's nice, but…” Sirius didn't let him finish the sentence.   
“And the rest of the plan? I know I'm not the best companion but… Please. Stay.” Last two words were spoken in such a pleading way, that Remus almost felt his heart clench.  
“I want to stay.” They stared at each other in expectation, and then Remus sighed, comforting himself on the couch.  
“What do you have for drinking?” Sirius smiled widely, showing him almost his full set of teeth.  
“I dunno – vodka, tequila, rum, wine. Probably beer.”   
“Red wine?”  
“Sure.” He then got up and returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses. He poured them the dark liquor, which tasted amazing.  
“It's really great.”  
“Is it? I don't really drink wine, but it's not bad. Glad you like it.” The tension seemed to disappear quickly, and soon they were tugged into the blankets and commenting on James being pathetic around Lily.

“You don't see him in his worst though – sometimes he just stares at the phone, just because she didn't right back for half an hour, and he's already panicking. He's such a big baby.” They laughed loudly at that, finishing another glass of wine.  
“You are both the same, aren't you? I guess you are exactly the same when you're craving over someone.”  
“I am not! Besides, I am not often interested in people enough to crave over them.” Remus wanted to change the subject, so he asked,  
“How did you end up as flatmates? I mean, it sounds like you've never been apart. If you want to share?” he said the last sentence as a question, realizing he might sound a bit intrusive.   
“That's kind of a part of the story. Do you want to hear that all?” He just nodded at that.

“Alright… So, first of all, my family is shite. The whole pack of them, they've always been crazy. They're intolerant towards everyone who's not perfect – understand white, rich, straight, influential. I hated all of those opinions since I was a child, and I often let them know. I met James when we were eleven, and we became best mates. What a shame for someone like me to be friends with a boy whose mother is black. Bloody loosers never got over it… Anyways, when I was sixteen, during one especially bad argument, father beat me up a bit more than usually. I told them what I thought about them, and that night, they kicked me out. I ran straight to the Potter's – they didn't ask, they just took me in. I was like a son to them, and they are the best family I could ever want. I lived there and then James and I rented this place, not quite willing to separate after all those years. Though now he spends most of his time at Evans's place. He's always been a better brother to me than Regulus ever was.” He sighed and then continued. “He was two years younger than me. Mother and father got him on their stupid opinions and before I knew how, he became just like them. He's done bad things, really bad. I stopped talking to him, never answered a single message, anything. Then he stopped trying, and two month since then he died. Suicide. I never found out why… Fuck…” He wiped the tears angrily off his face, but then other hands joined him – Remus didn't even know what he was doing, he just wanted to calm him down, because he felt so sorry for him.

“It's alright to cry from time to time. And I'm not gonna tell you some stupid shit like 'everything is going to be alright', because what you've been through just sucks. And I am sorry for that. You deserved better.” He looked calmer now, his face still a bit wet, but no tears running down his cheeks anymore.  
“Thank you. I don't talk about my past a lot. It's so easy to talk to you. You listen.” Remus smiled slightly, then poured them both another glass of wine.   
“Your parents… are you in contact?” He wasn't that curious, but he wanted to keep the conversation going, if only Sirius didn't feel uncomfortable.  
“Father passed out recently. I don't know anything about mother, though. Not that I care.” After a while he added.  
“What about you? Are you in mood for a little enlightening me into your life?” He looked at Sirius, who was now sitting more lightly, a little smile on his lips, and eyes sparkling from wine. He never spoke about his life, but something about Sirius made him want to talk.  
“I don't know where to start.”   
“You don't have to if you don't want to. Whatever makes you feel better.” He took a few deep breathes, then started to talk with his eyes closed.

“I never knew my father. Mom raised me alone, and she was brilliant. We were never rich, but not poor either. Everything was quite fine. When I was twelve, things got… complicated. Mom was diagnosed with sclerosis multiplex. For a few years nothing happened, other than small symptoms. It all changed when I was seventeen. All went to shit, mom almost died, and she had couldn't move out of the bed for weeks. I left the school and started looking for some job, because the treatment was too expensive. I never found any, and she was in awful state. Near to my eighteenth birthday I had depressions, because I wasn't able to look after her. I am not proud of it, but at some point, I stopped seeing the point. Tried to kill myself.” He dared to glance at Sirius, who didn't look at him with judgment. He seemed just concerned, so he continued with the story.  
“I was on the bridge, I wanted to jump. Nearly did, but then a stranger started to talk to me. He calmed me down and convinced me to change my mind. He bought me a hot chocolate then, and he was so nice to me, that I told him everything. He listened to the whole story, and then… offered me a job. I was terrified first, but he assured me that I can make enough money to help my mom. I… I had to try it.” Now it was his voice which shaked, and Sirius to comfort him with drawing circles onto his wrist.  
“It was hard at the beginning. I wanted to drop it, every time, but then I saw my mother's smile when I came home with money. I lied, of course, but that smile chased me in my dreams until I came back there. The man who talked me into it, Gale… let's just say he wasn't really that nice at all. I never saw him again, but I didn't drop it either.” He didn't know what else to say. It was all said out loud, for the first time, and it was a strange feeling. Not bad, not great. But he felt lighter, breathing was easier, and Sirius' hand on his made him think that maybe he didn't despise him.

“What a fucked up world we live in. I hate it. I hate what you have to do, I hate that it happened, and I feel strong urge to punch that Gale. Probably more than once.” Remus laughed, even though Sirius sounded… serious.  
“Well, now we have it sorted out, all the backstories revealed.”  
“Certainly.”   
“Who would guess how many secrets we all have. I often think about that. Everyone's got a story of their own.”   
“Yeah.” Sirius finished the bottle and set it on the table, accidently brushing his hand against Remus' thigh. Accidently. And again. He looked up to meet the pair of golden eyes, and Remus would swear he then looked at his lips. The next thing they knew, there was James bursting through the front door with a loud complaining.  
“Sirius for fuck's sake could you at least once hang your damn coat… Oh, hi Remus.” He smiled, not realizing the quick movement when they pulled away from maybe-almost-kiss. Or not. It wasn't, was it? Damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel better now, to have their stories a bit more revealed. However, nothing is ending, so I hope you enjoy the story so far. Thank you for reading!


	5. We’re just pieces on the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter a bit differently, it’s not only from Remus’ point of view, instead it switches between him and Sirius. A lot’s about to happen, so I better won’t spoil anything here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you still like the story so far... let me know your opinions on it, whether there is something you would like to know, or any suggestions, or just let me know if you liked it. It’ s all really appreciated. So enjoy the chapter. :)

**xxx**

 

After what almost happened between them the last week, they never mentioned it. Things haven’t gotten awkward, which was a relief for them both. Sirius and James still used to visit their friends in the library, where it usually ended up with James and Lily ’discretely’ disappearing, and Sirius and Remus, occasionally some of the girls, talking. They talked about every-day things, and went through all those casual themes, such as favourites. They ended up arguing a lot about qualities of coffee, which Sirius seemed to be unable to appreciate.

  
_“I’m just saying that tea is number one, that’s it. Coffee doesn’t even taste that good, unless you put in sugar and milk or whatever. Tea is great on its own.”_

_“I’m not in mood to argue with you. Let’s just admit that I am right.”_

It got a bit more difficult when Sirius came up with favourite movies, since Remus hasn’t seen much of them at all. But he has a certain passion for TV shows – Lily is supplying him with them enthusiastically. He can go on for hours about Doctor Who, Game of Thrones or Supernatural. Not even mentioning the tons of books he’s read.

Sirius, on the other hand, happens to be a big lover of music – especially, what he calls his ’punk rock specialities’.

“I have dozens of records, I’ve been collecting them for ages now. James is a bit sick of it, since I love my music loud.” He promised to show them to Remus next time he’ll come around, and he quickly agreed, ignoring the twist in his stomach, because there was nothing to feel that excited about.

 

That morning, after one specifically loud call, Remus had tears in his eyes, and everybody was worried for a while, since they knew he was speaking to his mother’s doctor.

“She’s getting better. It’s… she… she’s better. I can’t believe it.” His voice sounded so full of joy, and there was Lily hugging him tightly, than Alice and Mary and James, and nothing could have destroy that moment (maybe just that he missed a certain person to share the joy with).

“Of course she’s better. It will be fine from now, Remus, you’ll see.” And for the first time, he finally believed those words.

•••

“Mom?”

“Right here. Would you like some tea?” Remus couldn’t believe his own eyes, because there stood his mother, in their tiny kitchen, setting the kettle on. He blinked a few times, if only to make sure it’s real.

“Oh mom, how do you feel? Mr. Simons called a few hours ago… He told me you’re better. Are you really?” She smiled the widest smile he could remember, and then came closer to embrace him in a hug. It felt so good, so familiar.

“I am. I really am better. He said I should still rest for a few weeks, but then… God, maybe I’ll even be able to leave this place for a few hours per day.” She hugged him even tighter. “I know it’s safe, but… sometimes it feels like prison.”

“You’ll get out soon, I promise. I am so happy now.”

“I know. Me too. Now, would you like that tea?”

 

The next day in the library was so much better and worse in many ways. First, Remus was feeling guilty for leaving his mother in the flat. And when he finally left, he felt even worse for that. It became better during the day since he knew that she’s alright, but there still was a slight uneasiness in his chest.  

The second problem came later that day. All the happiness over his mother’s state wasn’t complete – not without Sirius knowing, too. James told him yesterday that he’s off because of work, and will come home in a few days. _’You’ll just tell him then.’_ But that didn’t feel right, he wanted to share this so much – and there, right before him on the table, was the phone. It belonged to the library, but there were no limitations on privet calls. The number Sirius has given him, and which he completely did not memorize, was now the only thing he could think about.

“Oh come on, don’t be a coward.” He let out a breath and then pressed the call button.

It rang for a few seconds, and then the familiar voice asked:

**“Hallo? It’s Sirius Black.”**

**“Hi, it’s, er, me. Remus.”**

**“Hello there.”** It was a short quiet after that.

**“I hope I’m not bothering you or anything, I know you’ve got work to do there…”**

**“Absolutely not, no worries. It’s boring as hell. What did you call for?”**

**“No real reason, I just really wanted to tell you that my mother… She’s getting better. I’ve got a call from her doctor yesterday and. Yes. That’s it.”**

**“Really? Oh, I am so happy for you. We’ll celebrate when I come back, sure thing. Wow, it’s really a great news.”**

**“Yeah. Well, that’s probably all, I should be going now, Mary is blaming me for holding the line, so… See you later than.”**

**“Bye, Remus. It was nice hearing you.”** Then the phone died, and he felt a lot easier.

“You smile like an idiot. How adorable.”

“Oh shut up, Lils. Honestly, are you always like this? How can James even stand you? Did you woo him with some dark magic?”

“Arsehole. I did not! He adores me, and so do you, so sod off.” Now she was smiling as an idiot too. They sat together and were browsing through the books, when Remus started to feel her glance and looked at her.

“I’m sorry, I’m staring. Just. I am so happy for you, you know. I know we aren’t friends for very long, but I feel like I’ve known you for ages now.” She was blushing slightly, but in a cute way.

“That was… the nicest thing that has ever been said to me, Lils. Thank you. I am glad we’re friends, too.”

“Let’s not get all soppy and dramatic here.”

“And the moment’s gone…” They laughed and got back to work, talking from time to time, but mostly being quiet, because they didn’t need to talk.

 

 

When Remus finally got home after an extremely exhausting day, followed by an awfully unpleasant night, he only managed to settle himself down on the chair, eyes closing with tiredness. He was freezing, so he wasn’t able to get up and go wash himself in the moment. He was already falling asleep…

“Honey, where have you been? It’s long past midnight. Are you alright?” There was a gentle hand on his arm, and a pair of hazel eyes looking at him with concern from the face of Hope Lupin.

“Sorry mom, I must’ve fallen asleep…” His back ached and he hissed when he got up.

“Where were you?” Oh.

“I’ve had a night shift in the bar. It was quite full tonight, so it lasted a bit longer than I thought it would.” She looked relieved, yet she didn’t move her hand.

“You work too hard. I wish you didn’t have to… It hurts me to see you this way. Now go to sleep, please. You look exhausted.” He nodded and tugged himself into the sheets, not caring about his clothes being still on. He felt as tired as never, but he couldn’t fall asleep. He listened to the calm breath of his mother, her voice still resonating in his mind. _You work too hard…_ If she only knew. But he didn’t blame her, not once. It wasn’t her fault, nor her decision. He tried not to think at all, and slowly he fell into restless sleep.

 

He woke up late, it was Saturday after all, which finally meant a day off. He walked into the bathroom and finally washed, luckily not being forced to look at his reflection, since there was no mirror there. He hated to look at his body, he didn’t even think about it as his anymore.

“Remus, would you like tea? I’ve made some herbal.” He stopped his thoughts and got out.

“Yes, sure. But mom, you shouldn’t exhaust yourself that much… I know you feel better, and I am glad you do. But, please, do not overdo.” She only smiled, but then she sat down to the table next to him, as he was sipping his tea.

“Let’s talk then. I realized I don’t know many things… I wasn’t much of a listener, I’m afraid.”

“Oh. Hm… What would you like to talk about, then?”

“Anything. What about friends? Have you made some? You never talk about any…” She bit her lip, as worried if he was still that lonely child as in his school years.

“I have, actually. Not much of them, but they’re great.” She smiled widely, messing his hair.

“Now that’s some news. Tell me about them.”

“Alright.” He thought for a bit, not knowing how to start. “Well, I first became friends with Lily. We work together in the library, in the same sector, and she is… very impulsive. Funny and very, very kind. We started to spend time together, talk a lot…”

“That sounds nice. Are you together?” He blushed, then laughed, because the whole idea was absurd.

“No, nothing like that. She actually is in a relationship with James. I got to know him through her, he is very nice as well. A bit mischievous, but in a good way. Then there’s Sirius, their other friend. He is interesting, and a good friend. I also like to talk with Alice and Mary, from the library, but we don’t really talk that much.” She listened the whole time with her eyes shining, and he loved to tell her all about his friends. He finally connected those two worlds, and it felt great.

“I am so happy you have them, sweetheart. I would like to meet them sometimes.”

“Would you?”

“If you aren’t ashamed of me, of course.” She laughed, but Remus could tell there was a trace of fear in her voice.

“Of course I’m not, mom. Surely they’ll love you.” And they really might, as long as Remus will find the courage to ask them. But he can do that.

 

 

Remus has planned to ask his friends to go out with him and his mother, he couldn’t stop thinking about it ever since his mom suggested it. He wanted to ask them on Thursday, the day when Sirius was about to come back. He and James will surely show up at the library, so it shouldn’t be a problem. He just didn’t know _how_ to ask them.

It wasn’t at all that hard at the end, he just burst it out minutes after they showed up. Lily, James and Sirius excitedly agreed, and they were supposed to meet at The Three Broomsticks, Friday evening. Hope loved the idea, she hasn’t really been out for a long time. When they arrived, Remus’ friends were already sitting in the corner. They waved at them excitedly, so both Lupins took their seats next to them. Remus introduced them all, and Hope immediately fell in love with Lily – who wouldn’t, though? She liked the boys as well, and the evening was amazing. It passed too quickly for everyone to like, but Remus saw his mother’s tiredness, and decided to get them home.

“Have a nice evening, Mrs. Lupin, it was lovely meeting you.” She and Lily hugged tightly, both of them smiling and giggling.

“I loved meeting you, you all, really. I am glad Remus has such a great friends. Hopefully we’ll meet again soon.” They said their goodbyes, and then went back to their flat. Once at home, Remus still couldn’t stop himself from smiling, because they really loved her, and she loved them, and it all seemed so great, so perfect.

 

•••

 

“James. Jamieee. Oh for God’s sake, get the fuck out of that bathroom already! Are you making your hair again?” Sirius’ complaints were followed by muttered insults and threats, so he better left James there. He got out on the balcony and took a deep drag, feeling better when he saw the smoke rising to the sky. His calmness, however, was suddenly interrupted by who else than James.

“Are you crazy, mate? It’s freezing here, you have just a shirt on!”

“Yes mummy.”

“Git. I only care about you. My one and only…”

“Shut up, you have redhead now. It’s me or her, take a pick.”

“Don’t make me do this, Siri, you know I couldn’t leave you.”

“Call me that one more time…” And James did, so Sirius elbowed him hard and then James finally managed to drag him inside. But Sirius still couldn’t sit calm, his gaze still unfocused.

“Did you notice Remus today?” He’s been thinking about it the whole day. When he and James came to the library that afternoon, they’ve somehow caught Remus changing his shirt. He never saw them, but they’ve seen enough, at least Sirius thought so. But he would have sworn there were scars on his back, also some bruises which seemed very fresh, unlike the scars. When he got out of there and they met, he also had a bruise under his eye, which he talked out of by pulling some story about him being clumsy. But Sirius was afraid he knew too well what had happened, and he felt an anger rising in him.

“Like what? The bruise? Yeah… he seemed pretty bad. But he told he’s fallen from the stairs, right?”

“Right. I guess that makes sense.” Sirius wanted to ask Remus, he really did. But he had no idea how to ask this. And so he waited for their next visit in the library. It was two days later, James was bringing Lily some stupid flowers, and so maybe the two of them will be left alone for a while.

His wishes came true, and after the lovebirds left, they were left in an awkward silence, the first one since they met. The tension was noticeable, and Remus has not once looked at Sirius.

“Look…”

“Sirius…” They both started to talk at the same time, and they laughed at that. However, they were not allowed to, because of the two things. First James and Lily came back, laughing and clinched into each other. And then the front door burst open, none of them paying attention to that, until a harsh voice made them turn around.

“Lupin.” Remus flinched, a look of horror in his face when he looked at the man who now stood in the centre of the room. He was tall, with dark skin and hair, a slight beard visible on his face. He wasn’t putting his gaze off Remus, who now looked like he was going to be sick. He went even paler as he spoke.  
“Leave. Right now.” His voice didn’t shake, and he managed not to blink or put his head down. Others looked confused, not really knowing what to do.

“Oh, should I? I don’t think so. I’ve got some business to be done here, ya know.” The big man moved closer to them, but Remus haven’t moved an inch further.

“Whoa, what’s going on here? I don’t know who you are, but as you’ve been asked…” The man spit at Lily’s feet and pushed her aside, not even letting her finish.

“Don’t you touch her!” Now it was James who stood in front of him, followed by Sirius, and Remus was unable to move. Lily, for once, stepped back.

“Drop it, James. And you, Sirius.” They didn’t, of course.

“Oh look at it, what a pitiful fools you’ve made friends with. I expected better of you, Remus.” Remus stepped next to James, only a foot in front of the man.

“I meant it, Gale. Leave now. We’ve got nothing to talk about.” Sirius hissed when he heard the name, but Remus hasn’t looked at him.

“You’re pathetic, you know. I hoped the boys gave you a lecture yesterday, but apparently not. You’re as miserable as you’ve always been. I should have let you die.” He smiled as he watched Remus suffer, his smile slowly changing to a vicious grin. It only lasted until a fist contacted with his jaw, and he had to take a few steps back because of the power of the punch. Sirius looked at his aching hand, but he didn’t give a fuck. The only thing of his mind was to kill that stupid shit in front of him. James looked just as furious when he stood next to his friend, overpowering Gale. He only laughed, massaging his jaw.

“Sweet. Now you’ve got defenders? Never thought you’re such a girl, Lupin But what else could I expect from a whore, right? Oh, it hurts to hear, doesn’t it? You haven’t told your beloved friends how you spend your nights? You’re just a sodding slut, nothing more, a fuck-toy. We’ll meet again soon, looser, I’m not done with you.” He then burst out the door, leaving all of them speechless. First one to speak was Lily, but Remus didn’t hear her. He ran out of the door, and he hasn’t stopped until he couldn’t breathe anymore, hating every tear he felt running down his cheeks. That was it, it was all too perfect. Now they’ll hate him, and he would have no one…

“Remus! Wait! Man, you run fast…” He wanted to run away again, but he had no energy to do so. He turned his back to the voice he heard coming closer, later realizing it was Sirius.

“Leave me alone. Please.” His voice sound broken.

“No way. Now turn around.” He did, but his eyes were still closed, and he tried to control the tears still flowing from them.

“I… They’ll hate me. I cannot… come back. It’s ruined, so ruined, and I am fucked-up. Shit!” He clenched his fists, but he had nothing to punch. He then felt a warm touch on his neck, so he opened his eyes a bit. There was Sirius looking at him with concern, but so gently it made his stomach twist. Those grey, almost silver eyes, has never looked so beautiful.

“I’ve lost _everything._ Why do you keep talking to me? He’s right, in everything.” Now the shorter man frowned and held him tighter.

“You never say that again. You are not- it doesn’t matter what he said. He’s nothing, and you are so much more than that! And your friends would never leave you, I would never leave you. Look at me.” He did, trying to absorb the words he’s been told.

“But… Why? Why are you still here?” Instead of an answer, he felt warm lips pressed to his own, and a hand on his neck slowly tracing his way into his hair. It was a gentle kiss, and Sirius then broke apart, blushed and cautious.

“I’m sorry if that was… But I had to let you know already. We could forget it happened if you want…” But he was interrupted by another kiss. Now he was smiling when they broke apart, and there was a flick of joy in Remus’ eyes, his lips slowly forming into a smile.

“Now that’s been sorted, we should head back. Lily and James are surely out of their minds right now.” Remus again looked all worried.

“I don’t know. Maybe I should just leave, make it easier…”

“No. They’re your friends. They love you, and they’re not gits. You’ll make them understand. It’ll be alright, I promise.” He took his hand into his own, and Remus exhaled, trying to make the fear go away. Then they headed back, together.


	6. Hold me when I fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius POV. The end of the last chapter from his view, then "the talk". Also an idea. See the rest yourself.

**xxx**

Sirius couldn't believe what has just happened. Everything was fine, it really was, and then it just broke. In his mind there were bits and pieces… He and Remus saying each other's names at the same time. His face shifting into a painful mask when the stranger came in, and the expression never leaving his face. Sirius finally getting who he was looking at. The sudden desire to cause pain to that person, to beat him until there was nothing left, because it was _his_ fault. James's firm hands dragging him off him, and he realizing what had just happened. Then noticing Remus was gone, and no words could have kept him there any longer. He finding the broken man, not the one he has expected, and wishing desperately to show him how wrong he is about himself. That everything's gonna be just fine. It had to be.

And, even when he didn't know how, he managed to make him smile. And that was worth all the trying, seeing that gentle, a little sad, but still, a smile. And then he didn't think at all, there was only Remus in the whole wide world, and their lips were touching and it felt like nothing else in his life ever did – after they broke apart, he started to worry, because what if he just made a very stupid mistake. But then he understood that it felt right because it was right, and Remus finally seemed to believe him.

Sirius thought about it all as they were heading back, hand in hand, and as they were coming closer, he noticed the touch firming around his hand. He slowed down and stooped Remus, turning him around so he would face him, lifting his head so they could look into each other's eyes.

“Hey. I know this phrase is overused, but I mean what I'm saying. It's going to be alright. I wouldn't let you go in there if there was a slightest chance for them not to understand you, or hate you, or whatever it is you're thinking. Do you believe me?” Remus stood very unsure, almost on half way from running away, but he nodded slowly, as if trying to find out whether he really agreed.

“I do. It's not that I think badly about them… I'm just afraid. Worse, I'm fucking terrified.” He let out a laugh, but it sounded more like a sigh. He then lifted their joined hands, fingers entwined, and breathed out:

“Are you with me?”

“Of course.” He smiled genuinely that time, and they entered the building. When they stood in front of the door parting them from their friends, they already heard them speaking very loudly.

“Oh. That doesn't sound very good.” Remus only cleared his throat and slowly opened the door. The scene in front of them would, in other occasions, look hilarious. James and Lily were standing in the centre of the room, both of them shouting something very close to each other, and even though Lily was almost a head shorter than James, she was the one who looked more threatening. They haven't noticed they've got company yet, and so they continued on their exchange.

“I worry about him too, Lily, I just think that calling the police after five minutes of a person missing really isn't that necessary.”

“But he might be God-knows-where and Sirius isn't able to look after himself, not even another human being who happens to be emotionally distracted and probably in need of comfort.”

  


“I think I am capable of doing so, Lily, thanks for believing in me.” Lily turned around quickly and her face enlightened. Suddenly there was a mass of limbs and red hair embracing both himself and Remus, followed by James, who also joined the hug.

“I don't have an expression for how worried I was.” Her voice was all soft and she was probably not going to let go off them any time soon. James and Sirius managed to pull themselves out after a while, but Remus was still held by Lily.

“Breathing is really hard in this position.” Lily quickly let him go and he took a deep breath, a small smile on his face. Then they walked to the back room, were they all sat down on the couch. No one seemed to be eager to start the conversation, and Sirius could see the way Remus was pulling his lips together, his whole body very tense. He leaned closer and whispered to his ear.

“You don't have to talk now, if you don't want to. They'll understand.” Maybe that sentence broke something in Remus, or he just needed to be pushed to talk, but as he started, he couldn't stop. He told them everything since the beginning – basically the same story he told Sirius weeks ago. But this time it was different, more urgent and the whole time he was holding tight on Sirius's hand, like that was the only thing that held him together. There were a few shocked gasps throughout the story coming from Lily, but they were mostly quiet. After Remus finished, no one was moving. Sirius watched them both carefully, and was surprised when he saw James. He was pale, his lips pressed together, and his fists clenched. He stood up and was breathing heavily as he spoke.

  


“I should have let you kill that bastard.” And Sirius felt so proud of James, even for a thought like that, because it was nothing less than he expected from his brother.

“Maybe you should have.” Lily sat James down comfortingly, and as always was the one of them to find the true words.

“I cannot imagine what you've been through, Remus. It's all so awful and it makes me sick but listen to me. You are still the best person I know and my best friend, and this changes nothing. I speak for myself as I say this, but I love you nonetheless, and always will. And I have to relate to James as well, that person with complete lack of humanity deserved much worse.” Sirius looked at Remus and found him staring at Lily and James, unable to move. He kept opening and closing his mouth, but no words came out. There were also tears forming in his eyes, but he blinked them away.

“Lily said it all. We're with you no matter what.” James breathed a little calmer by that point, but was still looking ready to fight.

“Thank you. It means everything.” There was no need to say anything else, because that was exactly how this should be taken – not as a disgusting or despised thing, but just a thing, not quite affecting any of them.

“Er… would you mind if we talked about something else now?”

“Of course not.” James looked eased again, at least that's what he showed. But Sirius knew better, yet he hasn't said anything. They talked about basic stuff, nothing was tensed anymore, just like nothing happened at all. After a while both Sirius and James lost track of those two nerds' talk, as they started with their TV Show obsession. They politely excused themselves and got on a balcony. Sirius lifted his hand to light a cigarette, but James's touch stopped him. He was looking at his knuckles, which were ugly shade of purple.

“You should put some ice on it. You're a fighter now, aren't you?” He chuckled a bit.

“Wanker. Your charming humour is refreshing on any occasion, Jamie.” That was followed by an elbow between his ribs, and a snort. They were watching the street under them, all those tiny cars and tiny people and tiny, worthless world. James took Sirius's cigarette and had a drag.

“Lily would kill you if she knew.”

“Which she doesn't.”

“True.” James sighed and turned around so he faced Sirius.

  


“It's not quite getting to me, you know. Don't get me wrong – this changes nothing about Remus in my eyes. It's just that… I never assumed someone is really dealing with shit like this. I feel stupid now. Only thing I ever had to care for was, well, nothing actually. I got it all like nothing – family, friends, tons of money which I never needed. When all the shit happened to you, it opened my eyes. But I probably closed them once again. Shit… Am I an awful person, Sirius?” Sirius just stared at his friend, who looked more worried than he used to see him.

“What are you even thinking about? I mean… you of all people think about yourself as awful? Jesus, James! You honestly saved my life a couple years ago, and you've been here for me ages before that. You help Lily every day, and you don't even see that. You brighten everyone's world just by your presence. All that happened to Remus… of course you never thought about that. I never did either, and it shocked me first. But you have to stop this.”

“Thank you. Sorry, I know this is not about me. I just wish I could help.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

They stayed out for a while, until they were almost freezing, and then went back in, settling themselves down like nothing had happened. The conversation was now a bit more serious, but Remus was still smiling.

“…really hope she'll like it. She talked about it that evening, and I never said anything – wanted it to be a surprise. Please tell her I said hi, okay? I'll try to come and visit her soon – cook a proper soup or something.” Sirius figured out they were talking about Hope, and so he looked at what Lily was handling to Remus. It seemed like an ordinary book, which wasn't uncommon in a library, but Remus opened it with eyes wide open.

“Oh Lily, how did you get this? Is that the first edition?” He looked so amazed that Sirius couldn't help himself but stare at him as he carefully browsed through the anciently looking book, his lips slightly parted.

“Yeah, it belonged to my mother when she was young. I never really liked Jane Austen, but Hope mentioned she loves her. Will you take it to her, then?”

“I don't know what to say, that's too…”

“Don't you finish that sentence. You're taking it.”

“Thank you Lily, she'll be out of her mind. So am I, to be honest. This one was always my favourite.”

“Of course you'd like Pride and Prejudice, how could I not have noticed. You talk so upper-class all the time.”

“I do not! Thanks, though, I'm sure she'll love it.” Lily was clinging to Remus's side, head on his shoulder, and he had his arm around her shoulders. They looked adorable, Sirius thought their friendship was something like he and James had. Yet he couldn't resist the tempting.

“Look, James, they abandoned us. What a shame.”

“I agree, look at that treason.” They high-fived as Lily tried to throw a pillow at James and missed, with a grin spread across her face.

“Wankers. You two are almost like married and I never complained.” Remus let out a laugh.

“I wish you could have seen that, Re. They've always been like two puppies, lost without each other. I bet James told Sirius he loves him before he said that t me.”

“I did not!” They all laughed, except for Sirius, who acted very insulted. He was so glad that everything worked just fine, and so did Remus.

“I feel really stupid now, but I should ask now since I never did… Where do you two work? Like, don't you have to actually be there from time to time?” James and Sirius both snorted, and Lily only rolled her eyes.

“James's father practically owns the place, and these two lazy-arses only appear there from time to time.” Remus seemed surprised, but amused as well.

“We are doing paper work and stuff. Mostly – sometimes we go abroad on researches and travel. It's and advertising company.”

“Interesting. When you say travel…” James grinned.

“We're mostly staying here, since we're, as Lily told you, lazy as hell. But last year we went to Tuscany, year before Alaska. Meeting up with clients and such.” Remus's eyes lightened a bit.

“Do you have photos?”

“Sure.” Sirius took out his phone and browsed through the gallery, then found what he was looking for. He showed Remus photos from their trips, all those places and people and Remus stared at the screen.

“That's really amazing. I would have guessed you for a whole different kind of job… but this is something.” James laughed, probably thinking about some stupid memory to share, which Sirius wouldn't be grateful for.

“Not nearly as fun as the local library, I'm afraid. We two practically work here already, since we do the same as you and Lily. Hang out and chat, right?” Lily kicked him hard, and he let out a squeal.

“Don't insult my job, Potter. I mean it. He always does that!” Remus was now chuckling, it was hilarious to watch Lily get angry at James. They had some more tea, and when there was time to leave, Sirius turned to Remus.

“Do you want a ride home? I've got a bike.”

“That's fine, I'm having shift in the restaurant today.”

“Oh.” Sirius often forgot how much Remus actually works. He felt guilty for it, since the money wasn't a problem for him, but he knew better than to assume that Remus would take any unless he would depend on it, which he didn't. He sighed.

“See you tomorrow, I suppose?” He looked a bit anxious as he leant closer, since Lily and James were still there, but it couldn't be more obvious that they were… a thing now. So he pulled a gentle kiss on Remus's mouth, only a brush of lips, and smiled.

“Sure.” He watched Remus walk down the street, and he was smiling. He winced when he felt a touch at his shoulder, but found out it was Lily.

“I know that dreamy look at your face, Black. And I've got two things to say. First, you hurt him once and I'll rip your limbs off your body so you will only be a bleeding torso, and then I'll throw you under the nearest train. I mean it.”

“I wouldn't have doubt that.”

“Sure you wouldn't. And…” She changed her threatening expression and hugged him so tight he had problems to breathe.

“I'm so freaking happy for you. He's a good sort. We can go on double dates!”

“This changed from me being grateful to disgusted – double dates are a taboo which should never be mentioned. Anyways, we haven't even been on a date yet.” She rolled her eyes.

“So grab him and take him somewhere, twat.” She then kissed his cheek and went back in to lock the library, with James waiting for her near the door. He waved Sirius as he took his way to the bike and got on, thinking about what Lily just said. Was it a good idea? What if Remus didn't see this the way he did? What if… But he behaved like there certainly _was_ something between them, there was no doubt. And Sirius wanted to make him happier after today… When he was in his room, almost falling asleep, an idea came to his mind. He smiled when he fell asleep, dreaming about golden eyes, little smiles, hugs, kisses… He never wanted to wake up, if only to have the original, not only fantasies.

 

•••

 

The next morning Sirius was riding fast, trembling in the cold, since he forgot to dress up properly, as usual. He tried not to think whether it was a good idea, since there was no way back now. He got down and walked to the door, then entered the building and knocked on the door. First, nothing happened, but then he heard a movement inside the flat. In a while he got the most adorable look of Remus Lupin just woken up, in his too long sweater and messy hair. He looked very surprised, and Sirius couldn't help himself but grin.

“Morning, Sunshine. Come on, get ready, we should be leaving by now.” He mumbled something, then nodded, and then finally looked at Sirius properly.

“Wait, what? Going where?” He looked so innocent that Sirius just wanted to tug his face in that sweater…

“On an adventure, of course. Like I said, hurry up already, would you? I've got a schedule…”

“Sirius. What are you on about? Jeez, it's six in the morning, I've got two more hours of sleep since I have to go to the library and I don't like being woken up early.” He still didn't seem to get the plan.

“No work today. I've called there, got you out, since you're officially sick today. You're going with me instead, and not in two hours, but now.”

“And how's that?” Remus folded his arms across his chest.

“I'm kidnapping you.”

“You what?”

“Questions later, Sleeping Beauty, you probably won't understand it this early. I should have guessed you're not a morning person… Anyways, get some clothes on and let's go finally, before we miss it.” Sirius pushed him inside and leant against the doorframe, watching Remus grabbing some clothes and walking into the bathroom, mumbling something about _crazy git._ That one's new. When Remus finally got out, Sirius only grabbed him and walked with him to his bike.

“Now, will you please enlighten me in what's going on?” Sirius sighed and lifted his gaze so their eyes met.

“I don't know whether you understand the words _kidnapping_ and _secret_.” Remus looked confused and a bit startled.

“I don't like secrets and I don't think you could kidnap me in any occasion. You're tiny.” Sirius stepped back, looking overly insulted.

“Let's see then. Get on a bike, I'll explain later. Please?” He put on puppy's eyes, which may have been cheating, but it worked, since Remus sighed and sat on a bike, hugging Sirius from behind. A smirk spread across his face when he started the machine up. They went fast – Sirius could tell that Remus liked the speed, since his hold lightened after a while, and he was completely relaxed now. They reached the end of the city, but Sirius turned the bike and they continued past the border of abandoned buildings, until they stopped near the one which didn't seem out of ordinary, at least not that Remus could tell.

“Where are we?” Sirius put on a mysterious smile.

“Secret. Now come on.” He held out a hand, and Remus took it. They walked around the building, and Remus noticed that it was very high, with boarded up windows and faded paint. Sirius then knelt down to one of the lower windows, then found the right lath and threw it out. He's surely done that before, because he made a space exactly for one person to push through. He disappeared in the dark of the building, and called Remus with muted voice. He shook his head, but then entered the building as well, finding himself in complete dark, only a hand in his own being a sign he's not alone there on their way deeper inside.

“Wait here. I'm just going to put the light on.” The hand disappeared and Remus tried not to panic – he never really liked dark, mysterious places. Suddenly there was a muted light from behind him, and he turned around to see Sirius walking to him with a saving lamp in his hands.

“Better now?”

“Yeah. I still don't understand what we're here for, though.”

“Oh you're so impatient. Come on, we'll go up the stairs now.” They walked in silence, only the quick beats of their hearts echoing in the hallway. There were many stairs – Remus was already catching his breath, and after a few more, they were finally there. They had to cover their eyes from the sudden sunlight, and so Remus first didn't see where they stood.

“Oh my god…” Sirius smiled as he heard the reaction. Remus found himself standing on the roof of the building. The wind was making him shiver, but in a good way, and he thanked God for not fearing the heights, as they were quite high. The vision he's got in front of himself was incredible – he walked a bit closer to the edge and admired it. The sun was right in front of him, slowly rising up the morning sky, and the whole city seemed to be built from lego. He looked down and gasped, because it was higher than he thought. He felt arms closing around him from behind, and a light peck on his neck.

“Do you like it?”

“Sirius… It's incredible. I haven't got the words…” He turned around so they were face to face. Now Sirius saw the sun shining from behind Remus, making him look like an angel – but the sun's probably got nothing to do with it. It defined the sharp lines of his face, and when he looked back into it, the gold in his eyes was melting.

“You're beautiful.” Sirius never really said that to a person. Yes, he flattered people he liked, and said all those typical things, but he never meant it like this. He liked how Remus blushed at that, and made a point to remind himself to make him do that again.

“Thank you. I love this place, I've never seen something like this. Funny, I live here my whole life and… It all seems so tiny, you know?” And he knew exactly what he meant.

“Yeah. That's why I like going here. Every issue seems insignificant here.” They admired the vision together, slightly touching.

“Do you go here often?”

“From time to time, but you could say that. I've got a couple of blankets here, too.” Remus chuckled.

“Of course.” Sirius was now looking at Remus again, still taken aback by what he saw.

“No one knows about this place. At least I never showed anyone… It may be someone other's secret place too, who knows. But now it's yours as well, if you want. It's a great escape.” Remus was doing that thing with his mouth again – opening and closing, trying to find words.

“You just literally gave me a place. That's unbeatable.” Sirius let out a laugh and allowed his hand to find its way into Remus's hair, putting it away from his face. He leant into the touch and smiled.

“You beat it.” Then he stood on his toes to be able to reach his mouth, seeing that Remus smirked at that seconds before their lips touched. First it was a light kiss, gentle presses on their lips. It was slowly getting more and more intense, their tongues dancing around each other and hands on their faces, necks, backs, holding onto their hair… It was brilliant, Sirius thought, and he loved the way Remus sometimes bit his lip a bit. They broke apart when they needed to breathe, foreheads pressed together.

“You never told me you're an awesome kisser, you know.” Remus smirked again.

“Hello, my name is Remus Lupin and my biggest quality are my kissing abilities. Perfect.”

“I'd love that introduction.” They kissed a bit longer, and then Sirius got up and brought the blankets (he certainly wasn't joking), so they could sit down.

“It still seems unreal.” Sirius didn't know what Remus was referring to, but he was looking at the city under them, frowning a little.

“What do you mean?” He sighed and then looked at him instead.

“Everything… all these changes. My life has changed so much. I've made awesome friends, which I never thought I would. My mom, I stopped hoping she'll ever get better. But she did. And you. You turned my whole world upside down, like a hurricane, and yeah, that's such a cliché, but it's true.” Sirius enjoyed the way Remus was forming those words, and he leant closer so he could lift his head on his shoulder.

“I don't mind clichés. I took you on a roof - that's one as well. But we are both probably too cliché to mind.”

“Yeah. I love it though.”

“Good to know. Next time I'll take you somewhere else. There's a lot of places you've never known that existed, Re. I'll show you, we could go there and maybe find some new ones.” He shifted a bit. “If you would want to.” He felt a touch of lips on his temple.

“I'd love to.” He smiled widely, feeling way more confident now.

“When we're all cliché and such, can I ask you a cliché question?”

“What else should I have expected?” He snorted, but then took Remus's hand and entwined their fingers.

“Are we officially together now? Like, for real?”

“I guess we are. For real.” That was the best thing he's heard the whole day.

 

•••

 

“… don't mind me? I'll just hang out here while you're making out?” Sirius chuckled and pulled away from Remus's mouth, only to put a face on James.

“Now you know what it was like when I was the third wheel when you and Lily started dating. You were the worst – still are. So sod off.” James just snorted, but Remus saw the smirk spread across his face. He was sitting on the couch with his phone, waiting for Lily to come back with coffee. Remus sat behind his working table, but was lightly distracted by certain someone sitting on the table in front of him, occupying his mouth.

“I would like to have some work done, you know.”

“I thought you were working.”

“I mean it. Get off my table you big baby.” Sirius mumbled something about ungratefulness, but then got out and sat next to James, tapping something into his phone. Remus smiled when he saw them fighting over it, and haven't been paying much attention to his work. He was glad that Lily and James were so okay with them together – the word still felt a bit strange. But it was all right. He got back to his papers, when the phone started to ring. He picked up and heard an unfamiliar voice.

**“Hello, it's officer Weston. I'm trying to call Mr. Lupin. Is that you?”**

**“Yes, that's me. Did something happen?”** There was silence on the other side, and Remus felt shiver coming up his spine. Something felt odd.

**“I'm afraid so, Mr. Lupin. You should come to the police station as soon as you can. I'm sorry.”**

**“…What happened?”**

**“Your flat – we don't know how yet but there was fire. Might have been anything… The firefighters got there as soon as they could, but…”**

**“My mother? Is she hurt?”** He haven't paid attention to Sirius next to him, he saw is mouth opening, forming words, but he didn’t hear them.

 **“I'm sorry. They couldn't save her, the injuries…”** He heard the phone hit the ground, and then there was nothing, just darkness.

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably a bit longer than I expected it to be... A lot happened though. It hurts me to let them suffer, it's like a rollercoaster. But it was necessary for the story, believe me. I'm sorry the updating took so long - I have so little time these days. I hope I'll post the next one soon. I've got the story written in points for the next couple of chapters, and I know where I want the story to go, I just have to find the time for writing it.   
> Anyways, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know by kudos and comments, you make my day. Also, if something is uncertain or if there are some mistakes, just let me know and I'll update it. Love you all. :)


	7. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the revelation of the death of his mother, Remus closes himself up, and there is no one more scared about that than Sirius Black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that the update took so long, I honestly had no time at all with school and stuff, and this is probably such a mess. I hope you still like it though, and I am glad for any feedback.

**xxx**

 

Sirius was scared.

Truthfully speaking, he was petrified. Most of the times he knew what to do. There was always something, some purpose, but now he felt totally useless. He could only watch and stand, feeling his heart clench with every second of Remus's misery. The scariest thing about that all was Remus's absence of emotions.

He didn't know how they managed to make Remus tell them what happened, neither did he remember how they made it to the police station. All he could see was Remus. After the phone dropped, he fell on the ground. When Sirius knelt down to him and tried to pull him up, his body was shaking so hard, that it was almost impossible to hold him. When he looked into his face, he expected to see tears, but there were none.

His eyes were shut hard, and his mouth wide open in numb screaming, lips curled in pain. That face was following him in his dreams ever since. When they took Remus inside, the officer asked them to stay out, while he and Remus walked into the room. Sirius wasn't willing to let go off him, but Remus just stood up and went with the officer, not showing any emotion. They waited there for almost half an hour, and Lily was shaking with sobs. James was trying to comfort her, and Sirius wished he could do the same for Remus.

When he finally came out of there, Sirius hugged him, but there was no response. His eyes were completely empty, his body firm. James then said they should go, and told Remus that he is going to stay at their flat. He stayed quiet, but followed them. The silence was terrible, Sirius expected Remus to break, start crying or screaming or swearing, to do _anything_. But he didn't, and after they arrived at the flat and James showed him the bedroom, he closed the door without a single word.

“He has to deal with this on his own, Sirius. You have to let him grieve.”

James squeezed his shoulder and headed towards the door, where Lily waited for him. They left to her place, and Sirius stayed alone. He was lying in his bed and staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. He didn't hear a single noise from the second bedroom, but he knew better than to think that Remus is sleeping.

He stood up and quietly padded out of his room, until he stood in front of the door where Remus was. He knocked on the door, but even after a couple of minutes there was no response. He tried to push the door, but they were locked. He even thought about calling his name, but he changed his mind and went back to his room, somehow managing to sleep. Only before the dawn he heard the screams – they were muted by pillows, but he could still hear them. Screams full of pain, grief, agony. And he could do nothing, nothing at all, to make them stop.

 

The next day things were the same. Remus didn't leave the room. Sirius came there a couple of times, trying to talk to him, convince him to eat… but he gave up in the evening. The night was mostly the same. And the nights after.

“I don't know what to do.” James was now back, and was hugging Sirius tightly, because he felt like he was shattered to pieces.

“You can't do anything. I'm so sorry.”

“There has to be a way.” James was gently petting his hair, comforting him in the best way he could – it was breaking his heart to see his best friend in this state, and even more to see Remus. But he, just as Sirius, could do nothing.

 

After three days Remus finally opened the door while they were in the flat – except for the first day both James and Sirius had to go back to work. He asked for the glass of water, and Sirius was so surprised that he almost spilled the water while handling it to Remus. His voice was harsh and so, so quiet. It didn't sound like him at all – there were no emotions, except for the pain. The three of them sat in the kitchen awkwardly, Sirius and James not knowing what to do, what to say.

“Re…” Sirius almost whispered it, but Remus still trembled and shut his eyes close.

“Don't.” Then he stood up and left once again, and Sirius felt tears forming in his eyes because _he fucked up again._ James sighed and rubbed his face with a tired expression.

 

Twelve nights passed. Twelve nights filled with screams, twelve days full of empty looks and quiet words and so much misery.

After a week, Sirius felt like he should give up.

He didn't know how to deal with not being able to help. Even though he knew Hope Lupin only for a little time, he still missed her. When he tried to imagine what Remus must feel, he multiplied his pain by billion and still knew it's not even a fraction of it. Yes, he lost a brother, he also felt that numb pain, but his was wrapped in loathing and guilt and years of silence. He had no idea what it was like to lose a mother, since he didn't consider the woman who gave birth to him his mother anymore.

Remus did, and he lost her.

He couldn't stop thinking about it all while he was in work, he shut everybody out and was only thinking about how is he gonna fix it – and realizing he couldn't. With this thought he came home from work, it was dark already, since he wasn't really looking forward to coming home. Sirius sighed and put the kettle on, still trying to shut his brain up, when he almost jumped from surprise because of a hand that fell on his shoulder. James was still at work… He turned around and saw Remus. For the first time he was looking at him – and he was very pale, very tired and so, so, sad, but in his eyes there was life. He was biting his lip and his mouth was forming words which Sirius didn't hear.

“'M sorry, I didn't hear you?” Was that a flick of smile on the other boy's face?

“I asked you if you could go with me. I waited for you… I can't sleep. Would you? Please?” He realized he was just staring, so he quickly nodded and moved forward.

“Of course. Yeah, yeah, let's go.” They walked to Sirius's bedroom, and Remus went straight to his bed. Sirius followed him, and when his body touched the matrass, Remus wrapped himself around him and let out a breath against his neck.

“I'm sorry. I was a wreck, fucked it all up. I should have talked to you, let you help. I'm sorry.” Sirius hugged him tight and kissed the top of his head, feeling a bit warmer inside, because he hoped for this so much.

“Don't be. I understand… God, how I wished to hear your voice. You scared me to death.” Remus wanted to apologize again, but Sirius didn't let him.

“I'm not blaming you, you have all the time you need. Everything. Just know that I'm here for you.” Remus lifted his head a bit, so that he could look into his eyes, and he managed to pull a little smile – it was just a second, but it was there.

“Thank you.” He yawned, and Sirius tucked him in the blanket. Remus pressed himself to him even harder, and after a while he was breathing calmly, falling asleep.

Sirius was looking at the boy wrapped around him. He was so grateful that he made it. It wasn't okay yet, but it was better. And right now, Remus was sleeping peacefully again. 

 

They were woken up by James, who opened the door in shock, saying that Remus's bed is empty. He then saw them curled up on the bed, and a relieved smile appeared on his face. He stepped out and closed the door, telling them that the tea is ready, if they want.

“Would you like some?” Sirius was worried for a while, that with yesterday gone, Remus may come back to how he was before. But he turned his face to him, and even when the situation was so tense, Sirius couldn't stop himself from admiring how beautiful he looked in the morning. His hair was such a mess, curls falling into his eyes, and his lips were forming into a tiny 'o' as he yawned.

“I think I'll sleep a bit more, if that's okay. Haven't slept this good in ages…” He closed his eyes while ending the sentence, and Sirius smiled gently as he covered him up with blankets again. When Remus fell asleep, he stood up and left the room.

James was sat on the sofa with a mug of tea, and so Sirius took his own and dropped down next to him.

“What happened? Is he… well, he's probably not okay.”

“No. But he's better, I guess. He waited for me here when I came home yesterday. Asked me to stay with him… He was apologizing and stuff, how typical of him. I am just… Fuck, James, I'm so relieved. These last days were terrfying.”

“I know, I'm glad that it ended. It will be okay.”

“Yeah. We should tell Lily. She's been out of her mind when he didn't recognize her...” James bit his lip.

“I may have already called her.” Sirius nudged him and let out a snort.

“What else should I have expected. You're so smitten it hurts to look at it.”

“Like you're any better.” Sirius froze and now it was James who was snorting.

“Oh don't make that face on me. It's obvious. You wouldn't care so much if you didn't love him.” His face felt heaten up and he tried to find the right words.

“But… It's too early, isn't it? How long have we been together? I mean…”

“It's not like you have to tell him right now. It's just good to know how you feel.” He didn't answer, and James changed the subject after a while. Sirius finished his tea and stood up to take the shower. Hot water made him breathe a bit more easily, and he refused to leave for a long time, enjoying the feeling. He put on some clothes after that and came out, drying his still wet hair with a towel.

James was still on the sofa, but now he was talking to Remus, who seemed a bit more awake at the time.

“Morning.” Remus lifted his head and once again smiled that little, shaking smile. Sirius sat down next to them, and noticed that Remus was holding the biggest cup of hot cocoa he has ever seen.

“Are you trying to poison him with chocolate?” James smirked, while Remus blushed slightly.

“You know I make the best ones.”

“And you're not at all smug about that.”

“Never.” They went on teasing each other, making fools of themselves, and Remus's smile grew a little bit wider.

 

“Guys? Er… what day is it?” Remus looked a bit put out, and James quickly answered.

“Saturday, actually.”

“Oh. I was just wondering…” He took a deep breath before he continued. “… what about the funeral?” Again it was James who spoke first.

“Well, on the third day, Lily called… she tried to speak to you, but you were kinda… anyways, she asked if she should take care of it, and since you couldn't, we said yes, and I'm sorry if you wanted to…”

“No, it's alright. Thank you, really. I wouldn’t be able to do it anyway.” He smiled reassuringly, and then they talked for a little longer, until Remus went to take a shower himself.

 

“Lily texted me. I think she's here in five minutes. There's no point in stopping her.” James looked a bit guilty, but Sirius nodded in agreement.

“She's his best friend. If he talked to us…” It appeared that James underestimated her, since she was already bursting the door open and taking her way towards them.

“How long? Where is he?”

“Lils?” She turned around to face Remus, whose hair was still wet, and it was obvious that she held herself from jumping on him.

“Remus, God, I'm so glad to see you.” She couldn't stand it any longer, and hugged him tightly. He hugged her back and Lily squealed a bit. Then she released him and stared at him with a cautious smile.

“I missed you. Are you… feeling better?”

“I… don't know, to be honest. But I can think now, at least. I missed you, too.” James and Sirius stood there a bit awkwardly, until James decided to break the silence. 

“Well, it's the weekend, so would you lot like some pizza and beer, and maybe some stupid TV Show to spend the day with?” James put his arm around Lily's shoulders, and Remus stood closer to Sirius.

“I'd love to, but… would you mind if we did so later? I would like to say goodbye. Properly.” Remus was trying to keep his smile, but slowly his lips were starting to shake. Sirius squeezed his hand and brushed his hair off his face.

“Of course.”

“Good. Do you know where…?” He simply couldn't say those words. Buried – it still felt so strange.

“Yeah, we were there for the, er, funeral.”

“Would you go with me?” He was asking Sirius only, and he wished that James and Lily would understand without him explaining. This was something he couldn't do alone, but the only one he wanted there was Sirius, who, of course, agreed.

They left the flat in an hour, and they borrowed James's car instead of a bike. The cemetery wasn't far. There were no people there, no one interrupted them as they walked in silence, side to side.  When they reached the place, Sirius stopped, and he saw Remus flinch. The grave was simple. White stone with the name craved into it, followed by the dates of birth and death. There were a few bouquets on top of it, one from the three of them, and others by the few people who showed up.

“I should have been here.” Remus was looking at the stone, and he lifted his hand to touch the name of his mother.

“I'm sorry, we wanted to drag you here first, but you didn't speak at all, you seemed so…”

“It's not your fault. I was put out, didn't think clearly. She deserved so much better, Sirius. Why did this happen!” His hands were now clenched into fists, and he was breathing hardly. He looked at Sirius with look full of desperation, and then pressed himself against Sirius in a tight hug. He was shaking with sobs, and finally there were tears running down his face, all the buried emotions finding their way out.

Sirius was holding him, because that was all he could do. He held him and calmed him, and it took Remus a long time to be able to pull out. He looked at the grave once again, and then sat himself down onto the wet ground. Sirius followed him and put his arm around Remus's still slightly shaking shoulders.

“It's my fault. The fire… it couldn't be an accident. Someone did it, and I should have been there, not her.”

“No. Don't say that, it wasn't your fault.” Sirius cupped his cheek and forced him to look at him.

“It wasn't your fault.” Remus closed his eyes and tried to absorb the words. Sirius so much hoped he would believe them…

 

 

After that day, Remus never returned to the guest room. He slept in Sirius's bed instead, curled around him as like his life depended on it. And maybe it did, maybe this was how Sirius could help – just being there. And he surely had no intention to leave. James was right, now he was ready to admit that. He loved Remus, like he never loved anyone in his life. It didn't matter that they only spent so little time together, and it didn't matter if he hasn't told him yet. He knew that he would do anything to keep Remus happy.

Remus seemed to move on a little bit more with every morning. The next day after they visited the cemetery, he called to the library and found out that Lily explained it all, and he didn't lose his job. Sirius tried to convince him to stay home for a little bit longer, but Remus couldn't hear it.

“I've been here long enough, Sirius. It's driving me mad, I have to _do_ something. Anyways, I can't keep staying here, I have no money to pay you and James. I'll leave as soon as I find my own place, I promise.” That left Sirius speechless for a while, because why would he want to leave?

“What are you talking about? Leaving, I… why?” Remus frowned at that, he was sure that Sirius and James must be already tired from having him there.

“I mean, I'm really grateful that you let me stay here, but I can't keep doing that forever…”

“Why couldn't you? If this is about you not wanting to stay because it's too soon and stuff, then I understand. But if you just feel shitty about that because you're a dork then I don't wanna hear it, Remus. I really want you to stay, and James as well.”

“I like it, more than I think is possible. Living with you. But I would be never able to afford…”

“Why are we here again? I wouldn't ask you for money, never. Besides, we don't even pay for this place - James's parents insisted on paying and no one could fight them about it. So technically I am there just like you.” That made Remus smile, and after a little hesitation, he pulled Sirius in for a kiss. It started very chaste, their lips brushing against each other, but the kiss quickly deepened into a much more passionate one. They parted when they rediscovered the need to breathe, but their foreheads stayed connected.

“I'll never get enough of you.”

“No one asks you to.” Sirius brethed it out while pressing gentle kisses alongside Remus's jawline, behind his ear, down his neck...

“I love you.” He froze with his head nuzzled into other boy's neck, and he tried to absorb the words he just heard.

“I'm sorry, it's too early, I know, and I understand…”

“Say it again.” He lifted his head and was now watching Remus greedily, desperate to hear it again. 

Remus's mouth broke into a smile as he repeated. “I love you. I do…” He was interrupted by another kiss, and they were both grinning like idiots throughout that.

“Can you say this all the time? It's the most beautiful thing in the world…” Remus bit his lip, and his eyes were sparkling with joy after such a long time.

“I would… if there is a chance you'll once feel the same?”

“Git. Of course I love you too. I was just scared shitless to tell you.”

“As if I weren't.” He laughed and stroked his fingers through Sirius's hair.

“You're braver than me then. Which I knew all along.” And they were kissing again, a mess of lips and tongues and limbs, and occasional _I love you_ 's whispered under their breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending kind of took away the angsty side of this, but I felt as though they deserved a little happiness.  
> I'll try to update as soon as possible, and even though I have a lot of things going on now keeping me busy, it shouldn't take more than a week.  
> Thank you all for reading. :)


	8. I was drowning in you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very, very short - it's basically just an insight into one day of those two fools. Lots of fluff. Not sorry.

**xxx**

****

Remus quietly close the door, trying not to wake Sirius up, and then took his way to the kitchen. While he was going there, he thought about how grateful he is for this all.

It wasn't perfect – it couldn't be. He still felt the always-present pain for his mother. He supposed it'll never disappear completely, that it will be tugged in his skin, and after some time, he'll learn to live with it.

But he coped with it better than he would have on his own. Sirius wasn't taking the pain away – no one could, but he was giving him the feeling that one day it'll be alright. And that he could live with that, as long as he's got him.

As he approached to the sink to pour in some water, he almost dropped the glass at the unexpected sound.

“Morning.” James sat behind the table, hidden in the dark, and he was sipping a tea, fully clothed.

“I wouldn't call it a morning yet, but thank you. What are you, er, doing here? In the middle of the night?” Remus leant against the cupboard and started to pour the water into his glass, and drinking it thirstily. James took his time with responding.

Remus started to think he'd ignore him, but then James's lips formed a besotted smile, which pointed out he was daydreaming.

“Just got back from Lily's, her neighbour had some crisis and she had to go look after her… But we had quite a good time before that. I know why I went out with a redhead… ” The absent-minded expression didn't let go of his face, and Remus started to wonder whether he did look just like that when thinking about Sirius. Yeah, probably.

“Easy there, I don't wanna hear that. She's like my sister, it feels wrong. Christ.” He shook his head in disgust, and James let out something sounding very much like a giggle.

“Oh, just you wait until you'll come to me for mate-chats about our lovely punk rock queen. You'll be so much worse than me, believe me.” Remus could feel his ears brightening with red, and he cleared his throat, slightly ashamed.

“It's not like… we're not like… I mean, I hope you're okay with this, sure, he's like your brother and I just burst into both your lives, but…” he shifted his position multiple times, and ended up staring at the very interesting spot on the floor. He thought about this a lot during the last two weeks since he practically moved in. James didn't show any sign of disagreement with him living there, or, in that point, having a relationship with Sirius. But he worried.

“I'm starting to believe Sirius in what he's saying about you. Honestly, do you really think that? That I'd let you near him if I didn't trust you completely? I wouldn't, you know. I wouldn't let anyone near him to hurt him. But you're different, as much as I got to know you, you are one of the best people I know. It's like it was meant to be like this – best friends dating other two best friends. And I like it an awful lot.” Remus wasn't sure if he had ever heard James talking for so long, with such determination. And the whole time he was smiling at him with that warm-hearted, shining smile, which he only gave to people he cared about.

“Well, that's… really great. Thank you. I'm very glad I got to know you, and became friends with you. Lily isn't stupid to love you, I ought to say.”

“Git. Lily loves me for my perfection and admirable skills. That's common knowledge.” Remus had to snort through his grin at how James lifted his head up with a very self-adoring expression. He could just start to check his manicure.

“Thanks for educating me, then.”

“You're welcome.” James smiled brightly while he was standing up, and then went to the sink to lay his empty cup there.

“Would you mind if I hugged you?” Remus kind of whispered it, he expected James to be weird about that, they weren't very close yet, but he just huffed and eagerly embraced him in a hug. Remus sank into it immediately, and he enjoyed the closeness. There was nothing romantic or weird about that, just a simple way of showing that they cared.

“You try to look terrifying, but you're just a big puppy.” James mumbled that while still having his face in Remus's shoulder, and his statement made the other man shake with laughter. They let go and smiled.

“I might be. Probably Sirius's influence. Doesn't he seem to you a bit like a dog?”

“He is. Or at least was, in his past life or something. Big, shaggy, black, obnoxious dog.”

“Except for big, I quite agree.” James's expression changed into mortified as he whispered.

“Never mention that to him. He'll strangle you in your sleep. Trust me, tiny people are the worst.” Remus took a mental note to, of course, tease Sirius about his poor excuse for a height (which he adored), when they heard a huff of annoyance coming from the door.

Sirius was frowning at James as he was coming closer to Remus. He then wrapped his arms round Remus's waist, and nuzzled his sleepy face into his neck, just under his jaw.

“You see Jamie, I fit in perfectly.” Remus smiled and started to run his fingers through Sirius's hair. James winked at him and left the room, but before that he couldn't help himself but pat the top of Sirius's head.

When they were alone again, Sirius lifted his head, wearing that lopsided grin which made Remus go weak in the knees.

“Why're you up this late? The bed's too empty…” He looked too adorable, mumbling with that drowsy, hoarse voice for Remus to kiss him. After a while Sirius seemed to be way less sleepy, as he eagerly kissed back.

“Come on, let's get back.” He took him by the hand, and with entwined fingers they patted back to Sirius's – their room.

When they were wrapped in blankets again, Remus pressed his face against Sirius's chest, so he could listen to his breathing. He did that often, it was soothing and comforting. And Sirius would play with his hair until they both fell asleep.

…

 

The first sound Sirius had heard that morning was an outburst of swears, continued by painful groans.

“Buggering fuck! Sodding, _shitty_ thing!” He's so amused when he hears Remus's voice that he immediately sits up, because _Remus is swearing_.

Then the door opens, and Sirius couldn't help it by burst into loud laughter.

“Very funny. Shut up, Sirius.” Remus was standing in the door, his shirt, bottoms, and even his neck covered in hot cocoa. There were also occasional marshmallows here and there, which sent Sirius into another round of laughs.

“Stop it already and pass me some shirt. You're such a child!” But his face broke into a smile, and when Sirius didn't react at all, he shrugged and threw himself onto the bed, and mainly on top of Sirius.

“Oy! Get off me, chocolate monster! What were you even doing? Do you know how _hard_ it is to wash off chocolate?” He was huffing between the laughs, and after a while his hands stopped from trying to push Remus, who was currently leaving chocolate marks all over his neck as he was leaving gentle kisses there, off him, and instead started to pull him closer.

“For you information, I was intending to wake you up with a cup of amazing hot chocolate. What a great person I am.” Sirius drew his face closer to his own, so that their foreheads were touching.

“I appreciate this gesture, even though it ended up as a failure. I still like the result, though.” He then kissed him just behind the ear and whispered, “seeing you covered in hot, sticky things is my new favourite thing.” Remus shivered with wanting, and that made him confused. He slowly pulled himself off Sirius and lay down next to him.

“Remus? I was joking, not assuming anything.Really.” Sirius cautiously touched his arm, as though he expected to be brushed off. Remus sighed and pulled him closer.

“It's alright. I'm just not used to this, is all. How you make me feel.” That made Sirius smile a bit, and he again admired how unusually handsome Sirius was. Not only for his looks, of course – it was more like his inner self shone through his beauty, made it even more astonishing.

Remus leant closer and closed the distance between them, but Sirius kept the kiss very soft and chaste.

“You don't need to treat me like a porcelain doll now, you know. I'm not going to break.” Sirius said nothing, but was biting his lip worriedly.

“I don't want to do something incorrect… to fuck this up, you know? I mean, it's so new with you. This sounds corny, but I've never felt like this before, about anyone. You're too precious to lose.” Remus was blushing slightly, hearing Sirius saying that and _meaning_ it, that was making his stomach twist.

“I could fuck this up just as much as you. But it's worth the risk, isn't it?” He traced his fingers down Sirius's cheekbones, and was surprised to see so much affection in his eyes.

“It is indeed.” Sirius lay his chin on Remus's chest, the way he could still look him in the eyes. He looked as he was about to say something, several times, but each time he dropped it.

“What is it? Come on, talk to me.” Remus had that tiny wrinkle on his forehead, and it's adorableness pushed Sirius to talking.

“Well, this is probably ridiculous, but… no. What I'm saying is – actually I'm asking. Argh. Shit.” He stopped and inhaled, his expression calmed again, and just then he continued. “Do you like this?” He didn't continue, and Remus lifted an eyebrow in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“ _This_.” His hand slowly took it's way down his chest, his ribs, and stopped on his belly. Sirius let the hand laying there, and was watching Remus carefully.

“When I touch you – like this. Isn't it… would you tell me? If it was unpleasant, if I was doing something that makes you feel bad, because that's the last thing I want.” Remus tried to actually think about that. He liked being with Sirius – when they were together, none of his bad memories appeared. Yes, that simple innuendo made him flinch with dread, but just because he wasn't expecting it.

“I like you, and being with you. Everything you do, you make me feel so great – loved, wanted. And it confuses me, along with how much _I_ want you. That's something I've never felt before. You know, being with you because I want to, not because…” He let the rest of the sentence die away, and Sirius drew soothing circles on his chest, just above his too-fast beating heart.

“It's okay. I'm not pretending I know how you feel, but I understand. I want you to be happy.”

“Thank you. You have no idea what you mean to me.” Sirius smirked lightly.

“I think I might have a clue. And just so you know, I'm not here just for the good times. Don't shut yourself away from me – whenever you just want to talk, however bad or stupid it seems to you. Just. I'm here, okay?”

“Okay.” Remus smiled and kissed his forehead, than sat them both up.

“How about we go and have some breakfast? You can make the cocoa, since I've failed so terribly in it.” Sirius chuckled and stood up, then reached down to the bed and lifted a mashed marshmallow.

“Are you aware this mess is going to be everywhere, right? We'll be finding them in this bed for the whole eternity!”

“At least you have an excuse to tidy this room of yours.”

“My room, you say? You want to sleep on the couch?” Remus stick his tongue out and dragged Sirius to the kitchen. They met James there again, who shot them a surprised glance.

“I don't want to know.” They must have looked ridiculous, both covered in chocolate, messy-haired and with brightly-shining eyes. But they didn't care. They didn't care at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all liked it!  
> Posting took me too long - again. I'm sorry about that, I'll try to update asap.  
> More exciting things are about to happen, so, please, stick with the story and let me know your opinions! They're well appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> This is just an idea I’ve got a few days ago - I’m only starting to write it down and I’m not certainly sure about the story, not even mentioning the ending. I hope someone will find it interesting. If you do, please, let me know. Do you want more of this story?   
> Thank you for reading. :)


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